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Hello, and welcome to  Cosmic Cathy’s advice column, where I will answer your problems by asking my trusty tarot cards your questions. Be them big or small, comedy related or personal, I will deliver the answer to all your woes with one turn of the card! 

 

 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

Can your cards tell me if I'm going to be famous? From WannaWorldTour, Paisley. 

 

Dear WannaWorldTour,

 

while meditating on your question, I've drawn the Two of Swords, reversed. This card is a card of maybe, neither yes, nor no, or maybe both. I'll be honest with you, right now I could probably give a better prediction if I saw you perform, but I only have my cards so will have to go with their opinion, let's hope they have a sense of humour! What I can tell you is that in a reverse position, this card is saying you're getting in your own way with a creative disagreement. Do you REALLY want to be famous or do you just want lots of money or travel or retweets? Think hard and be honest about why you want to be famous, then when you have that answer, write to me again with a better question! 

 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

how can I cure my stage-fright? I love writing jokes, I believe I'm funny and I so desperately want to be a comedian, but every time I get on stage I feel like I'm going to pee or puke from fear and fail miserably. From Petrified-Performer, Peterhead. 

 

Dear Petrified-Performer,

I've drawn The King of Cups for you, a card conveying power, energy, passion and commitment, all the things a good performer needs. Unfortunately, I've drawn him in the reversed position which often represents self-pity and low self-esteem. Ask yourself why you're feeling this way, if you know the jokes are funny, then own them! Audiences don't want you to fail, they want to laugh, give them what they want. In short; man-up, put on your big girl panties and remember that the spotlight is on your jokes, not you! 

 

Dear Cosmic-Cathy,

I have a tendency to lose my voice at this time of year and I'm worried as I have a big comedy show next week. Unfortunately to make things worse, my show follows a weekend of shouting at my football team and a karaoke sing-off competition. Hoarse-Horrace, Hawick. 

 

Before I draw a card Hoarse-Horace, may I just wonder as to why you're putting yourself in this situation? Couldn't you maybe politely clap or buy one of those old fashioned rattles for the match instead of yelling like a lunatic? No? OK let's see what the cards have to say… Oh-oh! Death! Don't worry, you're not going to die, well you are, one day, but probably not on stage next week. However, this card suggests the end of something in order that something new may take its place. Maybe it's time to give up the karaoke and be reborn as a comedian, or switch your football allegiance to a team that scores even if you don't stand screaming at them through the telly! 

 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

I'm a character comedian and wear a custom made costume when I perform. Unfortunately I've over-indulged in the Halloween choccies and no longer fit into my suit! Please help! From I-Ate-All-The-Pies, Ecclefechan. 

 

Dear I-Ate-All-The-Pies, I'm guessing you've tried breathing in while two friends wrestle with your zip? OK. I've drawn The Emperor, a strong and powerful card representing masculinity and self-control. However as you've demonstrated you have no self-control when there's sweeties about, perhaps we should take him literally. Like the emperor in the story, I think you should just turn up to the show in your birthday suit and convince the audience you're wearing a fabulous costume. Anyone who cannot see how amazing you look obviously hasn't got a sense of humour. 

 

Please send in your problems, big or small for next month’s Cosmic Cathy column. 

 

Disclaimer: Cosmic Cathy can only take credit for positives that come from your reading, she cannot be implemented in personal catastrophes, court cases or your divorce.