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Hello, and welcome to  Cosmic Cathy’s advice column, where I will answer your problems by asking my trusty tarot cards your questions. Be them big or small, comedy related or personal, I will deliver the answer to all your woes with one turn of the card! 

 

 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

I am single and lonely and hate Christmas. How do I get through another lonely Christmas? I am an amateur stand up comedian but don't know how to talk to people. 

From Lonely Girl, Glasgow. 

 

Dear Lonely Girl,

You don't say if you hate Christmas because you're alone or if you're alone because you're Scroogie-McScroogie-pants and scare off anyone who wants to spend it with you. Nevertheless I have drawn The Moon card for you, a card representing negative emotions and ignoring reality! The reality is, 90% of stand up comedians are awkward, shy and utterly terrible at making the first move… So you're in pretty good company. The Moon card advises you to watch and listen, see who's also single and alone. Cosmic Cathy advises you to go up to one of those people and say; “What are your plans for Christmas?”... If they have plans, listen politely for a bit and then move on to the next person with the same question. Soon enough you'll meet someone who wants to bond over their disdain of all things festive. 

 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

I couldn't believe my luck when I landed my dream job as a columnist. Unfortunately it is just a side-hustle and my boring 9-5 needs to come first. I'm regularly missing my deadlines and fear my editor is losing patience. How can I be more organised in future? From Definitely-not-Cosmic-Cathy, Inverness. 

 

 

Dear Definitely-not-Cosmic-Cathy,

I've drawn The Four of Pentacles, a misery chap who doesn't want to share in case his family misses out. On face value this could mean you don't want to share your precious time that could be spent baking, singing and all the other lovely things that mothers are supposed to do (according to the story books.) However, one suspects you've done more scrolling the socials than reading fairy tales with the children this month, so let's dig deeper… The Four of Pentacles is afraid, he wants to do right but is frozen in fear. He can choose to stay stuck or he can choose to be frivolous, both decisions will result in failure. The third option is he works slowly and deliberately, a little each day to responsibly achieve what he knows he can… And, maybe a little less Tiktok! 

 

Dear Cosmic-Cathy,

I have been lucky enough to get the lead in my town's Christmas pantomime. However I fear I have bitten off more than I can chew, I still don't know my lines and don't think I ever will. Should I back out now and lose the opportunity of a lifetime, or should I keep going despite feeling like I am going to fail. From Terrified Of Success, Perth. 

 

Dear Terrified of Success,

I've drawn The Ace of Swords. A card that says “STRIKE NOW”... No! Don't go on strike, I mean JUST DO IT! Keep on rehearsing and it will all be alright on the night. Oh yes it will! Where is your fear Terrified of Success? IT'S BEHIND YOU! 

 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

I'm disgusted that I can't get a proper Christmas tree from Tescos any more. I blame you coz I heard your a pagan and are stealing are culture. Wot are you going too do about it? Flag-Hanger, Falkirk. 

 

Dear Flag-Hanger, please accept my most heartfelt apology for personally appropriating your Christmas many thousands of years before the birth of Christ. May I also admire your total disregard of irony, second only to your command of the English language. I don't know if you wanted me to draw you a card, but I drew you The Chariot, this card suggests you're going to be going away somewhere. I do hope it's far! 

 

Please send in your problems, big or small for next month’s Cosmic Cathy column. 

 

Disclaimer: Cosmic Cathy can only take credit for positives that come from your reading, she cannot be implemented in personal catastrophes, court cases or your divorce.