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Hello, and welcome to your monthly mystical manifesto! Well, OK it is more of a column, but alliteration makes me sound more magical. Horoscopes are so 2024, in this new year, I, Cosmic Cathy will guide your most important decisions by drawing a tarot card especially for you (and around 666,666,666 people in the world who share your birth month.) Are you ready? Think of the advice you need, head to your sign, and the answer to all your burning questions will be revealed:

 

ARIES: Strength - Reversed

 

Have your legs been feeling like jelly and your arms like spaghetti Aries? Have you not stood up for what you believe in? Or maybe you’ve been giving into temptation, maybe that’s why you’re so weak - too many late nights? Get some sleep, eat some good food, lift some weights. Stop making excuses, stand by your convictions and do what’s right, you’re a big strong ram, not a weak little lamb. Oooh that’s almost a poem! 

 

TAURUS: The Nine of Cups - Reversed

 

You got exactly what you wanted, and you’re still not happy! How unlike you Taurus. It is time to stop being so stubborn, admit defeat, that was never what you wanted, it was just what you set your big, stubborn heart on. Move those posts and head towards the new goal, maybe you’ll get it right next month. 

 

GEMINI: The Two of Wands

 

Gemini being pulled two different directions, who’d’ve thunk it? The great news is, whichever path you choose will be the right choice. The bad news is, you’ve got to make that choice, and no, you may not have both. Be bold in your decisions Gemini, you can make this work. 

 

CANCER: The Four of Pentacles - Reversed

 

I’m not saying you won’t ever have your own Netflix series Cancer, but even if you get it, will you really be happy? This card represents chasing fame, money and adoration, but not necessarily for the right reasons. Go for everything you want in life, but don’t be greedy, remember where you came from and remember, one bad Tweet and you could end up back there! 

 

LEO: The Magician

 

Are you planning on taking up magic Leo? If so, take this card on face-value and go for it! If not, The Magician is about balance and connection between the Universe and the material world. The groundwork is done and the world could be your oyster - or magic hat. Just be funny, that is enough this month. 

 

VIRGO: The Six of Swords

 

Virgo we have a problem. In order to succeed, you need to throw away all belief in superstitions, apply sensible, earth based science and get on with it. However, if you take my advice are you not believing in the aforementioned superstitious nonsense? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered; Virgo, dance naked round a statue at midnight and you will succeed. (*hint: ignore the last bit!) 

 

LIBRA: The Lovers

 

I could give a long paragraph about how The Lovers card represents choices and crossroads and decisions made in the right moment, but we all know this is the card you were waiting for because you want it to mean that you’re going to have, fall in, or renew love. And who doesn’t want that? So I’ll save us both some time - yes, go and kiss them, the worst you’ll get is a restraining order.  

 

SCORPIO: The Hermit 

 

The Hermit is a wise old man who enjoys solitude and seeking hidden truths, his modern day equivalent would probably be a conspiracy theorist who spends way too much time going down rabbit holes online, and of all the signs, you Scorpio are prone to a little bit of angry fantasy! There’s nothing wrong with an open mind, but do remember to take the tin hat off if you ever do decide to leave the house this month. 

 

SAGITTARIUS:  The Devil

 

The Devil represents bondage and feeling like you cannot break free. Now, what you do in your own time with another consenting adult is of no concern to me. However, if you feel The Devil’s bonds in your not-private life, then you must think back to what led you down this path in the first place. Go back, make things right. Unless of course you’re enjoying your dungeon, then stay right there, you kinky little devil. 

 

CAPRICORN: Queen of Swords - Reversed

 

Are you being a little bit unfair to someone Capricorn? The card says you wouldn’t admit it if you are. But, you are. You’re being overly emotional and extremely biased, and what’s that? “You no longer believe in tarot-based astrology, infact, you don’t think you ever did!”? Wow! 

See? I told you you were being mean!

 

AQUARIUS: Death - Reversed

 

Sadly this is not a prediction of some kind of Pet Sematary situation, sweet Mr. Bubbles your long departed goldfish friend is probably not going to turn into some kind of orange-finned-zombie and swim back up the u-bend. Instead this card tells you that all is not lost, just keep the faith, get through each moment as best you can and soon there will be light at the end of the tunnel… just sadly not for Mr. Bubbles. 

 

PISCES: Ace of Pentacles

 

 

You’re about to come into some money Pisces! Invest now and watch your riches grow. This isn’t going to happen overnight, so don’t sell your house and head for Vegas. But put a little time and money into projects now, nurture them, treat your dreams like a garden - that is to say weed out the useless and water the fruitful, not just lie around in your pants sunbathing! - and very soon you’ll see the rewards of your work. 

 

 

Disclaimer: Cosmic Cathy can only take credit for positives that come from your reading, she cannot be implemented in personal catastrophes, court cases or your divorce.