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Hello, and welcome to  Cosmic Cathy’s advice column, where I will answer your problems by asking my trusty tarot cards your questions. Be them big or small, comedy related or personal, I will deliver the answer to all your woes with one turn of the card!

 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

how can I stop being so lazy? I make plans every week, and every week I end up cancelling and spending my time eating crisps in front of the TV. I need a kick up the butt. Can your cards kick people’s butts? Lazy-Butt, Elgin.

 

 

Dear Lazy-Butt,

I have drawn The Emperor reversed for you. This is interesting because in this position it can be interpreted in two ways, look deep within yourself to decide which is the message for you. Reversed The Emperor can represent a petty tyrant, expecting and demanding unreasonable things - is this you? Are you really wanting to do the things or are you beating yourself up because you think you “should” be doing them when your heart just wants to relax after a hard day’s work? If that is the case, remember you evolved to sit by the fire telling stories after the work of the day was done - Netflix is the modern version of this and if it makes you happy, you do you. However, if the relaxing is making you genuinely unhappy, then The Emperor tells you simply to get off your butt and do the things - only you control your actions, The Emperor can’t physically drag you out the door - he does suggest however thinking of the people who will benefit from your activity, if you cannot do the things for you, see it as a service to your friends or admirers. 

 

 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

I have a problem. A guy keeps sending me messages through my work email. They are starting to get inappropriate by asking to meet up despite the fact he is 400 miles away and I’ve never met him. Should I report him to management or just ignore him as I hate reporting people. Sheila, Somewhere. 

 

Dear Sheila,

I don’t think we need the cards to answer this one, woman to person I implore you to block him! Don’t engage with him again and forward all his correspondence to your HR department if you have one, as well as reporting him to management. Even if his intentions are pure, his methods are creepy and inappropriate at best! Now that is off my chest I will draw you a card and see if they agree … And we have … Death! Don’t worry, this is actually a great card for this situation, it doesn’t mean anything sinister, just an ending is coming and needs a nice, clean line drawing underneath it - like blocking this creepy guy forthwith - so you can move forward into brighter things. Good luck! 

 

 

Dear Cosmic-Cathy,

I don’t like cats but I pretended I did in order to get a woman in a bar to go home with me. Three years on we’ve moved in together and are very happy, me more so since her 19 year old moggy peacefully succumbed to old age last week. Now she’s going on about adopting two kittens. My lie is too big to back out of but a child would be a shorter commitment and at least it wouldn’t make me sneeze or claw my furniture, what can I do? Feline Frustrated, Campeltown.

 

Dear Feline Frustrated,

oh dear, that escalated didn’t it? I don’t want to frighten you, but I have drawn The Tower, a card that signals that the proverbial poop is about to hit the fan. You cannot continue this lie, wheels are already in motion for the truth to come out, all you can do is manage the fallout as best you can. Or you could go shopping for the cutesy-wootsy kittens and try your hardest to fall in love with them, it’s only another 19 years of ripped curtains and smelly litter trays, surely that’s a small price to pay for love? Whatever you decide, the truth is going to come out, be tactful and humble in your managing of it. And, when the dust settles, write it into a set, that is a comedy story I want to hear.  

 

Please send in your problems, big or small for next month’s Cosmic Cathy column. 

  

Disclaimer: Cosmic Cathy can only take credit for positives that come from your reading, she cannot be implemented in personal catastrophes, court cases or your divorce.