​
The Man-o-Pause Diaries
Stephen Hughes June 2025
Youth Of Today
As a gay man hurtling towards fifty quicker than a menopausal woman's short temper, I find myself getting more and more annoyed at the little things in life. So what has been getting on my very sweaty hairy tits this week? Apart from this gorgeous very, very, hot weather… Any other men getting home and literally peeling their pants from their body because your testilcles have been like two tangerines in a wet poundland carrier bag all day? Just me?
That however is not my gripe for this month. This month I have been mostly getting annoyed by the yoof of today. Yes spelled with an “f” because that’s how we did it in the 90s and quite frankly, the 90s is where I wish I still was. Back then I rocked the “curtains” hairstyle drenched in wet look hair gel better than any boy band member. Nowadays they are all skin faded within an inch of their lives although I have seen the “curtains” and mullet making an unwelcome resurgence, I've never been more glad to be bald.
Having to make a trip to my local corner shop I was harassed by a group of teenagers, I’m assuming 13 - 16 year olds although I can’t tell as even my doctor looks like he needs a note from his mum to actually be there. All of them were hanging around outside the shop, very much like I used to… I was hoping to ask some random over 18 year old stranger to step into the shop and buy the goods we were obviously too young to buy. For me that was usually 10 Regal Kingsize and a bottle of Merrydown cider, the gold label not the silver label, as silver was rank, so was gold to be fair although slightly less rank. One two litre bottle was enough between three people to get you pissed as a fart, sick in the bushes and home by 10pm.
Anyway I digress, these yoofs outside my local shop yellled, “Oi Mr?” I didn’t look around because when did I get old enough to be called Mister? Never in my opinion, but they called again and accosted me from the front. Handing me a £20.00 note one asked if I could step in and buy a mango/pineapple delight vape and two cans of Monster. Firstly what is Monster? One explained it was a highly caffeinated drink consumed in quantity by this age group. And the vapes were now the cigarette equivalent.
At least when I was a youth, you were greeted in a puff of decent smoke from a Lambert and Butler, Regal Kingsize or Kensitas Club, now you walk through a cloud of Raspberry Fizz or Coconut Creme and you end up getting home smelling like a Bounty. Now realising that I am in fact “the Mister” I dutifully took their money as they explained in great detail which vape and what flavour of Monster was to be purchased. It was like an NVQ in youth culture.
Being the conscientious adult that I am, I went into the shop and looked for the requested products. My mind was racing at the audacity of these youngsters and the utter cheek of asking a complete stranger to get age restricted items. Instead of buying the vapes and caffeine drinks I took the decision that these yoofs needed an education. I asked for a bottle of White Lightning Cider as apparently Merrydown is no longer a popular choice of cider. Also 10 Richmond Superkings, only to discover you can no longer purchase cigarettes in packs of 10. What is the yoof and indeed the world coming to. Anyone for a time machine back to 1996?