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RayJack Johnston’s Incredible, and True, Journey

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by RayJack Johnston’s 

 

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G’Day legends! My name is RayJack Johnston! I’m Australia’s Number One Impressionist and Most Famous Man!

 

I was born on the shores of a crocodile laden swamp in Northern Tasmania. A little town called WALLAWALLOO!

 

Wallawalloo is a fascinating, beautiful place. It exists in its own space, outside of any of the world’s cares. Its wars, its changes and most importantly, its laws.

 

I remember it always being sunset as a child. Watching the Crocs lazily snap at passers by.  Wallawalloo is entirely surrounded by Crocs. Who are, in turn, entirely surrounded by kangaroos. The ‘roos stare into town angrily, with murder in their eyes. Only held at bay by the Crocs.

 

As such, I have always seen crocodiles as protectors. And have treated them accordingly.

 

My journey to the stage began as a rippa nipper, helping make props and backdrops for me mum’s one woman plays. The roar of the crowd as she reimagined Shakespeare’s “Taming of the Shrew” into a savage takedown of the Australian Government (with added car chases) had me hooked!

 

It took a while to make it to the stage though. I spent a significant amount of time working on the great Aussie soaps. On Neighbours I snapped up a job as a stunt double for Bouncer the Dog.

 

I also enjoyed a torrid sexual affair with Helen Daniels. May she rest in peace.

 

I wowed critics with my performance on Prisoner Cell Block H as the baddie prison guard “Vinegar Tits.” A mountain of prosthetics and my own chameleonic acting skills meant that audiences had no idea I was a bloke whose tits were, and still are, vinegarless.

 

Next it was a flurry of Big Screen Appearances. I was in four of the five Mad Max movies. I was not in Mad Max Three, Beyond Thunderdome as Tina Turner and me Granny (GranJack) have a long standing feud.

 

Sadly I was never able to gain a foothold in Hollywood due to a long, bitter battle between me Dad Ray, and his childhood best friend, Crocodile Dundee. Dundee has seen fit to keep me out of the major rooms in Tinsel Town. Their loss became Comedy’s gain.

 

I started out, as we all do, on the open spot scene. In Aussie, it is known as “the Lurban Scene.” Lurban being Aussie slang for a sort of well meaning drunkard. The kind of harmless drunk who will accidentally ruin your child’s third birthday but has also bought them a really ripper present.

 

I quickly became a hot property thanks to my Incredible Impressions. One minute I was Victor Meldrew, belting out his famous catchphrase “I don’t bloody believe this!” While the audience reeled from that, Mr. T would appear pitying fools and refusing to participate in the miracle of flight! Before anyone could rebound I would be embodying the spirit of Superman being kicked in the balls.

 

There was no pop culture icon that I could not and would not lampoon.

 

And so it went and I became the next big thing. I became Australia’s Most Famous Man. I am Australia’s Number One Impressionist.

 

I was on top of the world. So I took the next logical step.

 

I booked a three week residency at the Sydney Opera House with my self penned Operetta “Oh Mother, Where Art Thou?” An exploration of trauma and grief told through the eyes of a mother being fed to a crocodile by her son.

 

It was a critical and financial disaster. I owe a significant amount of money to the “Painters and Dockers” AKA The Aussie Mafia AKA The Oza Nostra.

 

So I find myself on the lam. Hiding out. I spent three weeks living in Danni Minogue’s house. She was furious when she found out.

 

 Another week I hid out in the Krankies’ Sex Dungeon. More comfortable than you would imagine, but the price of admission was high.

 

I spent a wonderfully happy couple of weeks disguised as a kangaroo. Bounding round the outback. What a joy it was, to leap alongside my fellow ‘roos. I gained a love and respect for them in that time, and took great pleasure in learning their internal rituals. I even nursed some joeys in an improvised pouch made from a repurposed bumbag filled with an old family recipe for ‘roo goo.

 

But nothing beautiful lasts forever and my debtors tracked me down.

 

I needed to make space, needed to make a move. So here I am. On the other side of the world. Climbing the Scottish Comedy Ladder.

 

Rung by McRung.

 

So what’s next for The Australian Sensation? I’ve made a list.

 

Firstly, try to put together the money to pay back my debtors. But so far no one on the Scottish Comedy Scene seems to have $275 Australian (with interest!).

 

Find a way to apologize to Danni Minogue for giving her such a fright.

 

Get my revenge on Crocodile Dundee.

 

And, of course, become Scotland’s Number One Impressionist.

 

That’ll do ya.