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A Day in the Life
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Colette Boyd​
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Menopause or Madness
Brain injury or Bedlam
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Wake up with the alarm, 5 more minutes in my cosy bed, wake up 2 hours later, bollocks! Have a wee cry and I need to pee. Time to get up!
Manoeuvre carefully to avoid disturbing the love of my life, remember the dog passed away in June and the husband sleeps on the couch. Have a wee cry. Waddle quickly and carefully to the loo, peepees are often emergency situations these days. Make it there just in time so have a wee cry of relief.
Wash and moisturise, will brush my teeth after coffee. Kettle on, do I use the nice strong powder from the tin or the Morrison’s own brand instant from the industrial sized jar? Get dressed while I think about it, decisions are difficult. Leggings and jumper, no need for bra torture if I’m not going out. Get the thumb of my bad hand caught in my waistband so have a wee cry and I need to pee.
Instant coffee it is, at least I’ll get that new jar pleasure when I pop the silver foil with my spoon. Can’t get the lid off the jar, a wee cry? No, tap the lid on the worktop a few times, consider asking for assistance from snoring husband, try gripping with a wet towel, grasp the jar between my thighs and twist, no luck. Uncontrollable rage! Attack the worktop with the wet towel, shouting fuck a lot. Wet towel makes me need a pee. Pick up the jar to put it away, the lid pops off, have a wee cry.
Sit on the couch scrolling social media, 2 mugs of coffee, 326 cigarettes, a nature valley bar and a banana. I’m exhausted, a friend is doing a comedy gig abroad and looks fabulous, another was at a wedding and looks bored, life is weird. Have a wee cry then go for a pee and a nap.
Its bra time. Hubby helps me fasten it, shout at him for having cold hands then a wee cry because I’m a bitch. Visit mum in the care home, agree that my hair does need cut and yes the cushions do look better on her chair. Have a wee cry while I wait for the taxi. Hurry up! I need to pee.Hear husband ask what’s for dinner as I open the door. Look in the fridge and realise I forgot to defrost the chicken and I still haven’t brushed my teeth. Laugh hysterically until I’m crying.
Order in pizza and scroll social media while watching brutal murders on TV. Been asked to do a 5 minute spot at a pub I can get to by bus . Happy days! Go to bed smiling and lie scrolling and playing solitaire till I pass out an hour before my alarm goes off. Realise just as I drop off that I need to pee!