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A Day in the Life 

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Stephen McGinger ​

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A day in the life of me as a whistleblower, legend and all round pure stud starts with waking up in ma He-Man and the Masters of the Universe bedsheets, cape freshly washed and draped dramatically over the radiator like I’ve just saved Greenock from mild inconvenience. Before I’ve even had a sip of tea I’m checkin on ma voodoo dolls from last night, removing and disinfectin the pins with a casual mix of alcohol, vinegar, salt n hydrochloric acid just to make sure it stings when I put them back in. After that I ring the other whistleblowing Avengers to see whose cape needs ironed, you’d be surprised how disorganised superheroes are. We’ve got the capes colour coordinated so we know who’s who.

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By lunchtime I’m on the phone to ma good pal Kavita Bardwaj, reminiscing about the days we took a horse and cart to Sadie Frost’s when life was black and white and she was an exotic dancer on club podiums pre-Macarena, pre-Gangnam Style. Pioneers, really. Sadly the light sticks have run out of light so we just use candles now. Not ones with real flames in case we burn ourselves, just the wee battery operated ones ye know the cheap ones u see in candlelight concerts advertised on Wowcher.

I boil a carrot and half a tattie because I can’t cope with the thought of eating the poor wee animals, then sing a dramatic power ballad and record it on Ableton so I can produce it into something that almost sounds like I’m actually good at something, allowing me to look down upon the rest of society as those that just havnae quite “got it”.

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Evening routine is spiritual, obviously. Radox bath, one of those underwater looking lamps on, ambient wee wummin humming noises in the background on spotify playlist while I contemplate the universe and ma own Legendary existance. Wash ma hair with Just For Jingers, cause, well why not. Manifest waking up with a six pack and admirers of all genders queueing up respectfully at ma door in the mornin lookin for dates, then laugh at maself for being an absolute oddball. Cape folded. Lights out. Repeat.