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A Day in the Life

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Andy Bell​

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​​I’m Andy,  'The Scottish pirate'. Aye, when I’m on stage, I’m basically Captain Hook if he was fat, dyslexic, and shopping for spare parts on the NHS.

 

So, a wee look into my daily life. I’m 39 with two years’ experience… but my wife swears I’m 41. She lies. Honestly, she’s gaslighting me so slowly I’ll be 50 by Thursday.

 

Now, I’m an amputee. Lost my leg 14 years ago to a genetic disorder called neurofibromatosis. A lovely word. Easy to spell… if you’re not dyslexic and have a PhD in witchcraft. Why do disabled people always get illnesses that sound like a Harry Potter spell?

“Neurofibromatosis!” Boom — there goes your leg.

 

I was actually meant to lose my leg when I was two, but my papa fought hard to keep it. And I’m grateful — I mean, 21 operations later it still came off, but at least I got the extended warranty.

 

Growing up, I also had undiagnosed autism, so I was helped by a charity called Play Plus (now known as Plus Forth Valley). They did amazing stuff: activities, trips, days out… basically everything my mum couldn’t handle because I was like a hyperactive seagull with questions.

 

They took me fishing for a weekend. I didn’t catch anything, I think even the fish sensed something was “off.” And I did drama too, which explains why I now walk on stage like a pirate attacking a pantomime.

 

Fast-forward 25+ years: I now have the honour of working for Plus Forth Valley, under brilliant leadership, helping kids and families just like mine. We all believe disability is no barrier to having fun, doing cool things, and living a life that would terrify most neurotypical people.

 

And that’s why I turned to comedy. Because if you can’t laugh at yourself (and I mean REALLY laugh at yourself) then who can you laugh at?

 

I’ve turned my tumultuous past...or as my dyslexia insists on spelling it, my turmeric past... into a comedy set.

And if it empowers other disabled people, makes them smile, or even just helps one person think, “Hey, my life’s not that weird”…

then that’s the real punchline.