September 2025

Welcome to September's edition of The Snigger! This month I'd like to dedicate this issue to Gary Little whom we sadly lost in August.  Gary was an inspiration to every Scottish comedian and has been very supportive and a friend over the past few years.  The news of his passing has not sunk in yet as I'm sure many of you will feel the same.  Requiescat in pace! His memory will live on forever in our hearts. 

 Chrissy Ross is  "Glaswegian raconteur, full of high energy, verbal savegry amd hillarity". quote from Gary Meikle-"As funny as he is crazy and he's very crazy". 

Featured article- Chrissy Ross

Here Chrissy talks about what he is up to now and his new show 'The Cult of Chrissy'. 

The Cult of Chrissy is the monthly online show that is part podcast, live stand up and sketches. This show is from aspiring comedian Chrissy, who has been performing on the open mic scene and booking comedy events for a number of years.

Each month Chrissy has a theme he will present, August being ‘Parenthood’ and September being ‘Friendship’ for example. The theme then guides the content for the stand up, sketches and podcast. This means that the show gives Chrissy’s unique take through various media of his thoughts on the theme and he hopes entertains whilst doing so.

The stand-up shows are being performed and filmed in Tennent’s comedy basement on Byres Road the first Saturday of every month.

The first show had the awesome Kirsty Lynch provide support ahead of Chrissy’s hour and was a sold-out success on the 2nd of August. September’s night, on Friendship, will similarly have an up-and-coming support act, whilst the hour Chrissy does will be brand new material.

The reason behind doing a new hour a month is because Chrissy has imposter syndrome and had committed to at least a year and indeed 12 hours of new material, in the hope he can gain insights into the areas and themes he analyses but also so he feels like a comedian again.  

There is also the hope that after writing and performing and recording 12 hours of stand up he may finally have that “tight five” minutes of material that has so far eluded him. He is not hopeful. If you wish to see how this goes or want to catch the whole project: it will be hosted in its entirety on YouTube, with the various elements clipped across social media via the link below:

​Chrissy would like to point out he is just a hobbyist and amateur comedian who is trying to have fun and enjoy himself. This project for the year is Chrissy’s way of having fun his way because as a single parent and someone that works doing two jobs, comedy can only ever be a part-time pursuit at best. Hence only doing the one gig a month, one hour a month. This is why you don’t see him on the circuit, as he’s not competing or looking for spots for progression as for Chrissy there is no progression or career in comedy: just having fun his own way.

If you wish to see the live show: that’ll be advertised again via the link above.

Thanks for reading,

Chrissy

The Therapy room hosted by local comedian Patrick Rolink who as well as being a relative and native of Airdrie, is a director of Albion Rovers FC.  The Therapy Room is a night he runs at the Airdrie Town Hall and is a packed night.  The evening featured three comedians, a Scotsman, and two Englishmen who came from opposite ends of England (Newcastle and Cornwall).

Matt Price from Cornwall was the first on stage. His brilliant comedy involved frequent interaction with the audience including his heckling people who were going for drinks.

Price instantly built a good repour with the audience, and he has a very personal connection to the area as he is married to a local woman whom he telephoned during his set and put her on loudspeaker so the audience could hear her giving advice to an audience member in her broad Glaswegian accent.

Veteran comedian Phil Differ was the second and only Scotsman on the bill. His set was about medical issues that can affect a man in later middle-age.   

The evenings headliner was the fantastic Gavin Webster, a Newcastle man who is performing at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe. His comedy is from the perspective of a man born in the 1960s and who grew up in the 1970s.  He made some very pertinent jokes about the Holy Family and compared their biblical travels to contemporary immigrants to the UK. 

As the host brought the evening to a close, he made a heartfelt tribute the late Gary Little, who had died the day before, and called Harry Mullholland who also sadly died earlier in the week. 

​Patrick Rolink  

Each month (or issue) I ask a comedian questions about their comedy or life journey! It can be as little or as much information as you wish to share.

This month we interviewed Patrick Rolink.  Since first appearing on the comedy scene in 2002, Patrick has established himself as one of the hardest working and most likable comedians around. A regular at comedy festivals through out the UK, he has also taken the stage at prestigious venues including Jongleurs and the Comedy Store as well as playing Broadway for Tartan week and even made it to the bright lights of Las Vegas.  

Please tell us who you are. We are trying to establish your background, you, your family, age, occupation etc 

Hi my name is Patrick Rolink, I’m from Airdrie Lanarkshire and I’m a father of 2 and a papa to one wee girl called Melodie and I’ve been doing comedy for about 20 years and originally I was in sales, most of my life I was in sales.  I worked abroad for 15 years selling timeshares believe it or not and came back home.  I met a Russian girl in Cyprus and fell in love and got married and we came back to live in Airdrie so I took her from Moscow to Airdrie, that’s 32 years and she has finally forgiven me for that. 

Is that where you worked Moscow?

No, I met Svetlana in Cyprus, we were both working in Cyprus and our date started at 1.00am when she finished work in the restaurant and I was working in a karaoke bar in a place call Proteras and I used to send her a taxi to come up and hear me singing and I could only sing 3 songs.  I can sing ‘from a Jack to a King you’re 16’ and I can sing ‘Rhinestone Cowboy’ and I would get so drunk I would sing the disc and I would have Scotland and England competitions at Karaoke and funnily enough Scotland always won.

Please tell us why you are funny, any accolades or? Do you have any awards, when did you get you first paid start, tell us about your comedy career; your length of time in comedy , your comedy influences or idols and what you love about it and hate about it!

Well to be honest I’m probably like most comedians I don’t think I’m funny.  I don’t think comedians think their funny but my audiences seem to think I’m funny and I got my first ever paid gig was at the State bar, a guy called Billy Bonkers, what an appropriate name for Billy and he ran a gig on a Saturday night and I went along. 

I did about 4 open spots.  I’d done about 20 open spots at The Stand comedy club up in Glasgow, but they never paid me and they never really took to me.  But Billy and I hit it off straight away and Billy paid me a tenner, that was my first ever payment in comedy.  And then within a year I managed to get a gig with Jongleurs and I then did 14 years working for Jongleurs all over the UK and I loved the Jongleurs gig.  I could actually cry with joy when I think about my Jongleurs gigs.  They were just, see travelling to Bristol and Manchester and London when you come from a wee housing scheme in Airdrie to do comedy, to fly down there.  Every time I’d get on a plane my hair stood up on the back of my neck thinking, I’ve arrived.  I’m doing something very few people are doing. 

And comedy for me has always been like that, sitting in the back of a car maybe 5 of you coming home from a gig in Aberdeen and I used to say can you think how many people in Britain are doing what we’re doing now, we are so different from everybody else and that’s why I love comedy because it gives me a huge lift and when I started doing it I couldn’t sleep at night, I would dream about my gigs, I would relive every joke and every reaction and now I’m back the same is happening and I’ve got that first sort of game and that desire to be….see when you hear a laugh it makes you feel so good and every joke that you craft and I’m not a great comedy writer, a lot of my gigs are quite old but I’m like Frank Carson, I do believe it’s the way you tell them and I think people who can relate to you find you funny so I don’t think I’m funny but obviously people do. 

​Who or what makes you laugh the most? (this is one question, right!)

Billy Connolly, I had the fortune to meet Billy Connolly on more than one occasion. One occasion it was Des McLean and myself and we sat with him for 2 days at the Hilton in Glasgow.  It’s a long story but we did 2 days sitting with Billy Connolly at the bar and we both did our sets.  We stood up in the bar and did our sets and he was, you could put your hands out and feel the heat of them, he was so kind and so generous and when I hear his voice on the telly, straight away I think, that’s ma pal!  And he called me the big Rotun guy which is better than a big fat bas*tard, he called me the Big Rotun guy and it was every time I hear him, I just think his comedy is so sincere and the way he swears is beautiful. 

I think swear words are just a collection of letters and in comedy they can be very funny and there’s no better swearer than Billy Connolly.  So Billy Connolly makes me laugh, Mikey Flannigan, love Mikey Flannigan, I love Milton Jones and I’m no so keen on Tim Vine.  I think Milton Jones is good, there’s a lot of modern comedians that I can take it or leave it but I always enjoyed ‘Mock the Week’ I enjoyed Frankie Boyle, his stuff was quite sinister so there’s a lot…I like Kevin Bridges, I went to Canada with Kevin so I’ve known Kevin since he was 17 and he still makes me laugh so I love comedy when it’s real.  And I think the people I’ve mentioned are all real in their comedy.  Their all self-deprecating and I mean Mikey Flannigan tells a joke about leaving school and the teachers thought he’d be great when he became a van man but he achieved being a van driver and I just thought that was so funny because in school none of my pals at school believed I’m a comedian because I was so shy at school. I didn’t really have funny bones.

What age were you when you started comedy?

Probably in my 30’s.  I was a late developer in many ways, I was 29 before I even got married.  Everybody in Airdrie thought I was gay because I worked abroad and always bought a pal home instead of a girlfriend.  I’ve been .lucky with comedy, I’ve made so many friends in comedy and I’ve worked with so many fabulous people like Milton Jones, I met Billy Connolly, I just think their heroes, I think if you can make people laugh you can change the world and I think it’s underrated. 

​Please tell us if you have any unfulfilled ambition, or anything you are trying to achieve in comedy?  This could be from your personal life or your comedy life.

Well as you may know I had two strokes two years ago and it devastated my health.  I left hospital in a wheelchair with no self-conference and people have no idea how much self-confidence, how important it is in comedy and I’m now getting my mojo back.  I’ve actually been sitting here today arranging gigs for December and April, I run a gig in Airdrie town hall and I’ve got Gavin Webster on, Mark Price and Phil Differ in August and my ambition is to put on comedy in Airdrie so people don’t have to go to Glasgow and Edinburgh to see good comedy. 

One of my wee mistakes that I made towards the end, before my strokes was I was only booking people I got on with when I was doing comedy but you cannae do that, it becomes so parochial when you just book people that you get on with socially.  So now, see when I’m asked to do it, now Des McClean has asked me to do it, I’ve done a couple of gigs and they’ve went brilliant and now when Des asks me, I don’t ask who’s on, I’m quite happy to work with anybody.  So my ambition is to make Airdrie a comedy centre. 

And it’s quite refreshing sometimes.  I think when people start out as an open spot and you’re a headline you sort of resent it, you think their after our jobs and then when they come along and they grow and you see them grow and you think my god, they’ve really come on, they’ve worked hard because you don’t become good just by luck.  You have to work at it, you have to die on your backside so many times because you can kill a gig and walk out a room and feel like everybody wants to carry you on your shoulders. 

You have to go through so many hard times so I think my view of comedy has changed and I think I’m much more tolerant and more understanding and accepting of other people than I was but I think that’s one of the products of being a headline act.

Because I used to work with people and they were the headliners and they would turn up 5 mins before they went on and I really resented that because I think you need to see the whole show to get a feel for what the audience is like, what the other acts have been talking about.  And I remember one night in Jongleurs doing a particular gag and the headline act arrived after I’d been on and then did the same gag.  People were thinking ‘whose gag is it?’ and they thought I stole it because he was better known but he stole it off me.

I like headline acts that turn up and mingle with other acts and just go on with the show.  I mean your gigs down in Arta, that wee cage we were in, that was so funny because it gave us all a chance to bond, get to know each other.  And I think when you do that as comedy, you all perform better, it’s still competitive because you want to be the best act on but you’re not competing against them as people, you’re competing against them as an audience reaction and I’ve found to be as important  as I’ve got more experienced and after what I’ve went through in my life I do appreciate things much better, I can now smell the coffee.

​Do you have anything to promote?

1. 
   

Well, I’ve got a gig in Airdrie Town Hall on the 5th December and I’ve got a fabulous line up.  We have John Gavin; John Ross, Musical comedy meets laid-back hilarity with a twist and Mick McNeill, a rising star of Scottish comedy, tearing up clubs across the country. The last one sold out and this one will sell out.  I just as I said earlier I want to bring comedy to my home town because when I grew up in Airdrie it was a, a dessert in many ways to comedy.  I didn’t even know what a comedy club was until I went into The Stand one night purely by accident and got an open spot and then suddenly there’s this big world in front  of me and I just think if I can do that in Airdrie and give opportunities to young people in Airdrie to become comedians.  I had a column in the local paper and I cannae walk anywhere in Airdrie and Coatbridge without someone who knows me because I’ve stood for council, I’m a funeral celebrant as well and they’ve seen me do comedy and I just think that because somebody gave me a chance so that’s why I want to promote my gigs in Airdrie to give other people a similar chance.  

Consider if you will, the images below. What image are you most drawn to and why?

Oh definitely the sunshine.  I love sunshine.  Funnily enough I’ve had 2 operations for skin cancer but I love the sun.  I hate the cold.  I love the sun, I think the sun makes you feel elevated and it makes you feel uplifted and it reminds me of working at, I worked abroad for 14, 15 years and I never had a salary, I always worked commission only. 

I never had a place to stay, it was all dependant on your sales and the sunshine every day when you get up and the suns out, you know it’s going to be a good day.  So the sun, and when I was ill there my brother kept saying look it’s going to be summer soon, it will be light in the morning, it will be light and night and I kept looking forward to that because I think it puts you in a different state of mind and that was a beautiful sun by the way.  I just love sunshine and Eric Morcame, Eric Morecame was one of the funniest people I have ever seen in my life and apart from Les Dawson.  I love all the old stuff, I love Les Dawsons piano stuff. 

My Stand-Up Journey 

By Lexi Crawford ​

Lexi is a new stand-up, if you can call a couple years going "new". It still feels new for her and perhaps that's all that matters. 

Having gotten into comedy at Glasgow University's "Glass" in 2016, despite being a regular and even going on to be president one year, Lexi didn't actually perform stand up til much later- mostly staying with sketch comedy while at her time in the society. After the pandemic came and went, and Lexi had firmly graduated and moved on, she was asked back for the Glass end of year show in 2023 (she thinks; memory is not her strong suit) and there came up with the foundation of her set. It took til 2024 for the itch of comedy to start nagging at her to do more and develop the set, performing at the late Rum Bongo, going on to win a competition there (only after bringing half the audience of course!) 

Despite having, what she believes to be, a tight ten in her repertoire, she is looking to expand it constantly. One of the toughest things, she's found, is when and how to develop new material. Do you just drop 5 whole minutes of new stuff and let it bomb? Do you come up with a 2m new bit and sandwich in bits that are proven? How many times can she (personally) perform the same set and not get bored with it. These are still questions she's exploring and wants to believe that trying to put any hard rules will stifle the creative process. Although her lack of progress in that area may prove the contrary. 

Being an openly trans comic, Lexi has chosen to lean into that: deciding to make a wholly personal set about being trans and the pitfalls that come with it (although she couldn't help but make a bit about Robot Wars: her first obsession in this world.) Her set is mostly about poking fun of the perception of trans people in the current climate, and how she both does and doesn't fit that mold, for better and for worse. More importantly, she believes that making fun of the hysteria surrounding the topic and showing audiences that trans people are people too is important, and her favourite part of her set. So much so her favourite joke in her set (albeit probably not the best one in her opinion) is the final one "don't believe trans people are going to beat you in sports, cause look at me." 

Lexi is looking forward to the rest of 2025 and hopes you'll catch her at wee 5m slots all over the city. And perhaps in 2026 she may even get into 10m slots. Or gasp venues that are further than a subway ride away! 

The Man-o-Pause Diaries

Stephen Hughes August 2025

Let’s Talk Global Warming

As a gay man hurtling towards fifty quicker than a menopausal woman's short temper, I find myself getting more and more annoyed at the little things in life. Let’s talk about this unseasonably or unreasonably warm weather we have been having in Scotland.  To be fair it has been hotter than Satan’s crack in a Temu jockstrap and we are just not used to it.

Here in Scotland we are used to it being cold, cauld, bloody freezing… This brings on an affliction that most women will be unaware of as men are reluctant to discuss, and certainly won’t show and tell.  Men in general have their normal dick size, the every day willy that they are used to, the one they pull out to pee and fits nicely into the little pants groove it has created over the days and months nestling nicely in its own little home.  Your average and everyday living room dick if you will.  But during cold spells, which we are far more used to in Scotland there is a terrible affliction known as “dick shrink” this is not an official medical term as most men are too embarrassed to admit this happens, but during exceptional cold spells, the usual everyday appendage withdraws or hibernates into an unknown state, the usual two apples and banana becomes two walnuts and a maggot.  It is a temporary affliction and is eased by a gentle introduction back into the warmth.  However this heat, blazing temperatures and humidity beyond belief has seen the rise in a new affliction.

This affliction I will term “Sun Schlong”.  As with the cold, during extreme hot spells the everyday, average living room dick seems to expand and grow beyond its usual harmonious state.  This means it no longer nestles, but outgrows the pant groove into which it has been homed.  And this growth has nothing to do with excitement, it is merely a heat, blood vessel sorcery that means the everyday has no where to stay.  Movement of bawbag is acceptable within normal limits and most men are completely aware and at ease with this, but sun schlong is a new affliction to Scotland and men need to be aware.  In this extreme heat you may have to pull your bawbag and sun schlong from the side of your leg like a three week old elastoplast stuck with industrial adhesive.  And women think they suffer…

Never mind, the nights are drawing in and we will hopefully get back to the nice equilibrium where our appendages tuck themselves neatly to where they are meant to be and all will be well with the world once again.  And that reminds me, sweat, I thought anti-perspirant meant “against sweat” . I have yet to find one that stops the rivers of water flowing from my manopausal body… but that’s a whole other blog…

‘Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged’

by Richard LaLa

The older I get the more I realise that often being camp is simply, not thinking. An unawareness in the moment of an action. 

For example, I just bought a pint at the bar and I caught myself, walking back to the table, carrying my wallet as though I were a Tyrannosaurus Rex! It was sort of held in the way a covenant man might imagine Gods mighty hand reaching down to lift an ark from the troubled waters - it was basically a clutch purse! 

Anyway, now that I’ve thought about it, maybe, by comparison, a non-camp person might also have to correct their own autopilot position, down from the physically comfortable, high stance, position, to the more socially accepted, hip-side, holstered position? I say, “high stance”, but the wallet was basically up at my tits! Picture this, with my swishy (high-kick-sprung) waist, akin to the ‘Teela’ doll action figurine! The only saving grace was the fact that my gazelle-esc stride had me away and past them so fast their papers shook against their noses. 

So anyway, I’ve had a rethink and being camp is a lot more than a lack of capacity for bodily awareness, but it does make me think about body language, the accepted language of Men in particular. I guess the patrons looking at me must have thought, ‘could I take him in a fight?’ ‘Would he be a useless Jessie in a crisis?’ These are both reasonable questions. But what annoys me is the judgment, the pre-judgment, the whole, making assumptions without knowing me. I remember once being so enraged at seeing a cretin who previously beaten up one of my friends, that I had to be restrained, by other friends, from picking up a brick and running in at him - which is generally so out of character for me - I’m as laid back and “smell the flowers” as any enlightened fellow could hope to be - but, when it comes down to it, none of us are saints! 

I guess, we shouldn’t judge people? I was reminded of this advice recently actually, when I was in another friendly pub in Glasgow’s South Side. A man, not from the area, was standing at the birthday table, congratulating the boy on his new watch. I was admiring the father’s proud smile and remembering my own. Anyway, the precious memory was interrupted by the standing man, who’d stood nearer to say, ‘hello.’ 

I’d had a few drinks, and as anyone who knows me knows, I’m quite the messiah philosopher after I’ve had a few and, providing the right questions are asked, I can waffle out a whole spiel of valuable advice to anyone curious enough to listen. 

The “right” question in this case, as is so often the case, was regarding the economy and the failure of those in power to follow the needs of those who elected them! 

We blethered away quite the thing, and, as often stressful scenarios and difficult explanations tend to do, we both shared a moment of mutual frustration. Sadly, that was where our similarities ended, for when I said. ‘What are we to do, it is what it is. We just have to stand together and peacefully non-comply.’ I was expecting his response to be something along the lines of, ‘yes, but we can’t even protest anymore without risk of arrest!’ No, no, that’s not what he said, not what he said at all. Instead, he leaned in, looking me dead in the eyes and said, what he prefers to do is stab people!

Apparently, it eases his anxiety, which was definitely the opposite of what it did for me hearing it! 

‘I just like opening people up.’ He said, without flinch, or fear of sin, or shame of decency, he merely smiled, explaining the simplicity of his wanton desire. 

I took a deep breath and slowly explained to him all the ways and reasons that his ideas were surely to lead to only bad results. He responded well to my advice, but I was secretly baffled as to how this seemingly ordinary man, who’d just been talking about his own son, as we viewed the other son admiring his birthday watch, how could he be this dangerous? I came to the conclusion that we never truly know who we are meeting, who we are speaking to, and maybe a cautionary tale like this might highlight why it’s always a good idea to be decent to everyone we meet. 

Old wise wives’ fairytales about kind, angelic beings, hidden by disguises of age and indignity, often test people. It could be an old lady struggling to get on or off the bus, but really it is a wish-giver. The same is true with men who enjoy stabbing people, you might think they appear harmless and normal, you might even be foolish enough to shout something foul and funny at them in the hijinks hilarity of a drunken night, but then, out of the pocket, flicks the switch-blade glint, and in bloody tears you’re left smiling that permanent smile of Chelsea! 

I advised the man as best I could to steer clear of his wicked desires and focus on empathy, that old, ‘put yourself in the other person’s shoes’, adage. He said, he would do his best to realise that everyone is different and that uniqueness is worthy of initial respect. So, hopefully, he won’t be casually stabbing folk willy-nilly - but keep this story in mind when you decide to share your silly, bad mood with strangers passing by, be aware that some ‘ships in the night’ carry the pirate flag of skull and cutlass!

A Day in the Life

Gordon Keane ​

A Day in My Life, Plodding, Laughing, and Brewing the Perfect Tea.

Alarm is set for 5.30am and by 6, I’m pounding the Bellshill pavement, six miles every weekday morning, wondering why I signed up for a 100-mile trek from Bamburgh to Edinburgh Castle next July. “Who needs sleep when you’ve got masochism?” I mutter, dodging a wheelie bin at the side of the pavement. I’m 45, an East End Glasgow boy turned financial adviser, ultra-runner, and—God help me—budding comedian. I’ve got six races on the horizon, including October’s 57-mile Glasgow-to-Edinburgh slog. I’m not winning these things; I’m just plodding until I limp over the finishing line.  To be honest, it’s just an excuse to allow me to eat more! Instead of water stations, these races have regular food stations.  It’s like running through a giant world buffet. My idea of heaven! By day, I crunch numbers for clients. By life, I chase miles, tennis balls, and laughs, all fuelled by tea that’s brewed for exactly eight minutes, in a well-used tea pot.

Morning: Run Hard, Brew Harder.

Post-run, I stumble home, sweat-soaked and chaffed to F@$k. Nothing screams “I’m alive” like outrunning the bin lorry and getting home while the house burglars are only halfway through their shift. I shower, then tackle my chores: emptying the dishwasher, feeding our dog Evie, and brewing the day’s first pot of tea. Five to eight minutes—any less, and it’s just hot disappointment. Breakfast is a quick scran while I mentally juggle my day. By 9, I’m at my desk, firing off emails and prepping for client meetings. “Advising is like running a marathon,” I think to myself. “Keep moving, don’t hit the wall.

”Midday: Numbers, Natter, and Nerding Out.

Noon finds me either chained to my desk, driving to a client’s sofa, or stuck in traffic, earbuds blaring a podcast on serial killers or the latest subject I’m chasing a qualification in. I’m a certified personal trainer, running coach, and nutritionist—because apparently, I can’t sit still. I’m always learning something new; it’s what dragged me to comedy.

Two years ago, I stumbled into The Joker’s open mic, thinking, “I’ve sung for crowds for 20 years—how hard can stand-up be?” Spoiler: brutal. But Viv Gee’s Ultra Comedy course has me hooked, and I’m gearing up for her Advanced class this September. Client meetings are my daytime stage—I pitch pensions, they pitch problems, and we laugh….or have an awkward silence through it. Lunch? A posh tesco meal deal wolfed down between calls.  You know the ones that have sushi or gyozas.  Whatever happened to a cheese and pickle sandwich?

Evening: Tennis, Telly, and TreatsWork’s done by 5 p.m, and I’m home to walk Evie with my wife, Laura. She’s the real boss, keeping my feet on the ground.  When we agreed to take a Cavachon, we were told they would only need 15 mins walk a day!  They must have seen us coming.  She gets an hour’s walk every evening, down by the river, where she either dives in to chase the ducks or identifies as a hippo by finding the only bit of mud within a 10 mile radius and rolling in it! Then it’s off to Uddingston Tennis Club, where I play for the Men’s Team. “Tennis is like comedy,” I tell myself, as I double fault. “You think you have it sussed, then you bomb under pressure, and realise you need new balls”.

By 8:30, I’m on the sofa with Laura, a Lidl knockoff Magnum in hand, glued to a box set, waiting for the day’s final pot of tea to brew.  Right now it’s the new Dexter series. I’m in bed by 10, because 5:30 a.m. waits for no one.

Conclusion: Running Toward LaughsMy day’s a marathon—miles, meetings, forehands, and punchlines. Always on the go, I’m chasing dreams and giggles. Comedy is teaching me life’s like a good set: you keep going, even when it’s a tough crowd. Now, pass the tea—and make it quick.

On The Road with Raymond Mearns 

The Realities of Stand-Up on The Road

Can you tell me about your Experience  about travelling abroad. Where do you prefer? Where have you travelled to to perform?

Raymond:

Everywhere! I've done comedy festivals in Australia twice.  I've worked on cruise ships in the Mediterranean in the Baltic, and in the Caribbean, I have gigged in New York a few times. 

What's it like in New York?

Brilliant, incredible.   New York audience love you if you let them in.  See if you just tell them about yourself and  be honest, they love that. They just love that man. I've done gigs for the Saint Andrew’s society. From the Middle East through all around Asia.  I've been in Thailand, Indonesia.

Where have you preferred?   what's being your favourite, the country to perform in?

I don't know that I've got a preference, I just think it's an amazing part of the whole.   The idea that you go for two weeks in Asia and somebody else pays the flight and the hotel and then pays you money is phenomenal, I think that's incredible.  The fact that you can Just be shown a plane ticket right?  And then you go to the airport and you check your bag and you've no bought that plane ticket, and then 12 hours later, you're in Barbados to meet a cruise ship and then you go in a cruise ship, which is a floating 5 star hotel. You're given your own cabin, you can eat whenever you want, whatever you want and you get paid….Well, that was, how much was that…1600 pound a week to sail about the Caribbean.

What’s it like working on a cruise ship?

Well, I love it, I love sailing.

Have you got a boat?

No, I've never got on Bullseye hahahaha, I was never about to win that boat. I’ve no got a fuck*n boat, who do you think I am? Fuck*in Captain Birds eye?   Have you got a boat!!!! Hahahah, I love flying but I’ve no got a fuck*in plane right so no I’ve no got a boat. But it's just their floating 5 star hotels. 

It’s just incredible. And everyday, you go onshore to a different place. For instance you would leave Southampton and you would go over the Bay of Biscay and you would go to Vigo and then you would go to Lisbon and then Gibraltar then Catalan, Alicante, Barcelona, Villa French, La Vorna, Ziflavecia and so day trips to Rome, day trips to Pisa, Vila Franch is the French Rivera like Monaco, Monte Carlo. Capfera, it’s  incredible and you’re no paying, you’re getting paid to be there.

What are the audience’s like compared to Scottish audiences?

They're aw Cun*s.   No…an audience is an audience, and I just think you’ve got to be genuine; I think it's amazing you get paid for doing this.   I think it's unbelievable that somebody will pay you big money to have a laugh. 

Okay I’ll put it this way then.   if you get paid for doing something you would do for nothing, it’s incredible right?  but you're getting paid to have a laugh and I think it's an immense privilege and it sounds a bit, kind of corny, but it's  an incredible privilege. for somebody to say to you, ‘do you want to do 20 minutes and I’ll give you £200’ and there’s a full room, it’s incredible.   

And that's how you probably get the work cause you're of your authenticity, and like, you say, you're not taking it for granted you know you’ve got to graft.

You've got to be funny, you’ve got to be real.   Now, I remember that gig up in Largo where I don't recall if I even done material, I pretty much made it up. I was riffin.

What's your worst gig, then?

Oh, I’ve  f*** I've died in my hole. It's an occupational hazard. I remember  one of the worst gigs ever was, a Jongleurs Christmas show in Edinburgh and I was the compere and we had 50 people on this side. One side Keyline Builders merchants and we had 100 people on that side from Morrison construction and we had a table full of people who were from the Dalhousie Castle Hotel who were just c****  because it was a really posh hotel, and they're looking at me going, ‘who do you think you are?’  we’ve mopped up Nick Noalty’s boak right so their fannies right,  Their sycophantic, prick’s , and I went on stage and I just blew it! 

I’m the compere and I fuc*in blew it, everybody’s steamin anyway, steamin drunk.  I got my tin flute on and I went on and I just lost the audience, fuc*in sprouts and totties and fuc*in coins getting lobbed at me and everything and I went, ‘here’s the first act’.

Wee Ian Coppinnger came on and they loved him because they hated me, they hated me.  Now, I had to come back on after Ian was finished and I got booed on.  Boo! Getting fuck*in booed on.  And I was going this is a fuc*in nightmare, they were going Boo, get tae F*uck. 

Now Brendan Lovegrove was the second act, I’ll always remember it and he used to always come onto ‘Gaybar’ and he was oot his nut on something and he jumps on stage and as he jumps somebody just hooks him right in the jaw but he is so out his box or whatever he was on he never even felt it.  So he went on stage and did his thing and then he finished and I got booed back on BOO hahahah. And I went we’re going to have a break now thank fu*k! it was a fuck*in nightmare.

Now as we’re in the dressing room, the closing act was ‘Stu Who’ God rest his sweet soul.  He is the closer and I’m having a fuc*in nightmare, my heid’s in my hawns, it’s fuc*in murder.  I says their all cun*ts, they hate me.  He says just get me on wee man, just get me on.  I says no bother Stu I’ll just get you straight on right.  But there was a massive fight, it kicked off in the interval…200 people got flung out!

Hahahahahah there was 30 people left, 30 people left in the room.  I went back out and there was only one person Boo… right hahaha.  Everybody got papped out, the polis got phoned, the show manager is in tears and everything, it was a fuc*in nightmare and I went back out and nobody was giving a fuc*, it was just deid and Stu went out and he did 45 mins, it was tumbleweed so that’s what happens in this game.  You still get paid.

I still got my money but if you do stand-up comedy you’re going to have the occasional bad day at the office.  And it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, embrace it, you’re no fighting the Taliban.

It’s no going to kill you, you’re just going to feel a complete Cun*.  And you’re going home in the motor and you’re thinking I’ll be alright in the morning, I’ll fell better, I’ll feel better and you’re comfort eating at Harthill bit.  It’s just, it’s the way it goes.

I like that because I remember saying, if you have a bad gig  give yourself to 11 o'clock next morning. to  feel like that, and then just forget about it and move on.   

In fact you’ll laugh at it because what then happens is, you'll meet other comedians who are as  experienced as you are and you'll laugh you’re arse off talking about when you died on your arse. 

Never take a resentment because there was one night I was on stage in Jongleurs Edinburgh again and a very very good friend of mine, Mark Myers, I’ve toured the world with him, I’ve done cruise ships with him.  He was on in Jongleurs Edinburgh one night and there was a load of firemen and sometimes you just cannae help it and Mark went on and he fuck*in died and I went ‘Oh for Fuc*s sake’ and I went back on stage and I went (giggling) ‘Well Mark Myers firemen, you could have helped he was crashing and burning.’ hahahahaha  Mark took a resentment to that and I said for F sake Mark you fuc*in died on your arse, in fact if it was that bad Jeff Stevenson came into the Stand the following week I was in the Stand and Jeff Stevenson said ‘did you say something about Mark when he died last week?’ I said for F sake Jeff, here’s what I fuc*in said so he’s putting it around that Raymond Mearns is a cu*t! and come on it happens to us all.  If the cap fits wear it like a fuc*in man. And Mark’s a great comedian, a great comedian.  It’s comedy business.  I’m sitting on the top of Mount Olympus on the throne of Zeus.  There’s a lot of things that catch my ears and discretion is the better part of valour. 

I’m more interested in what people say about me sometimes but I’m going to tell you something. I’ve heard things about me that I’m supposed to have done and are completely untrue.  I’ll tell you something. Now the Stand first opened in Edinburgh round about 96, 97 something like that and eh I was never ever part if it because the lady, Tommy Shepard started the Stand with a lady called Jane McKay and Jane, if Jane didn’t like you, you didn’t get a gig so I didn’t, she didn’t like me.

Was that because you were swearing?

Nah she just didn’t like me, I’m a man made character, there were people who didn’t like me and they went he’s a cu*t and it was a clique and I wasn’t part of the clique and the scenes like that and I, I’m supposed to have done this and I don’t remember this but I have in very good authority that I’ve said it but it sounds far to clever for me.

Billy Bonkers, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of him, he used to run the state bar with, real name Billy Bolland and it was a great gig but he also ran a gig down at the Halt bar, the Halt’s not there anymore, it’s down on Woodlands Road.  And I’m on stage one night and I think I was compering, I might have been compering and Jane had turned up this night.   So she’s running The Stand but she’s doing a thing doing the circuit and she was fuck*in having a go and I said  ‘oh Fuck*in shut up’ and I remember I says, ‘does anybody here believe in god?’ and Jane put her hand up and says. ‘I don’t believe in god’ and I went ‘I don’t believe you don’t believe in god, I just think you’re a bit annoyed with him because of the body he landed you with right basically’

Now she came right up and kneed me right in the baws while I was standing at the microphone, now how unprofessional is that?  And then my mate was with me and he’s now a head teacher at a major school in Glasgow and it kicked off so we went ‘F this’, we got paid and fuc*ed off.  We went off to Sauchiehall Street to the Variety bar but Jane and her entourage followed us up there and I’m standing talking to someone and I didn’t know this that somebody had followed us but here’s my mate fuc*in boxing with Jane McKay and all her mates hahahahaha The Variety bar!  And jane fuc*in hated me and it wasn’t until the Stand opened in Glasgow that they needed Glaswegian acts and it was Tommy that phoned me up and says…’we’re opening in Glasgow, do you want to do a gig?’ ‘Tommy I’d love to work with you, all I want to do is work.’

 And that was that I was booked in and Jane and I and a couple of others went on a tour of the Highlands for a fortnight in the year 2000 or 2001, I can’t remember exactly and it was the best 2 weeks of my life and we got steamin one night in Inverness and bonded and became firm friends after that!

GAMING -BY Euan Scarlett

It’s September, and that means we’re entering the ridiculous holiday season where all the games publisher companies seem to release all their biggest games for the year in the space of about 9 weeks leading up to Xmas, inevitably leading to anything genuinely new or interesting falling sacrifice at the altar of the biggest franchises in gaming shitting out whatever passes for this year’s annual update. The carnage this year was due to be even worse with the original release date for GTA VI being this autumn as well, the one franchise that even Call of Duty shats it from, before that was delayed into 2026, for now. It saddens me that after years, in some cases decades, of fans pushing for new entries in beloved series or franchises many of these have effectively been sent out to get a total kicking from EA Sports FC, Battlefield 6 and Pokemon Z-A, and this year’s casualties are no doubt set to include Shinobi – Art of Vengeance, Ninja Gaiden 4 and Once Upon A Katamari, the first completely new proper console title in beloved cult Japanese series Katamari since 2011’s Touch My Katamari on the handheld PlayStation Vita, which was one of the many fantastic pieces of technology that Sony sends out to die regularly. Hopefully they’ll not only be decent but will also find an audience.

I’m also expecting long awaited but decidedly ropey-looking sequel Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines 2 will get a total shoeing, as well as the promising reboot of FPS classic Painkiller and more than likely RPG sequel Outer Worlds 2 both turning out to be really good games and nobody buying them. Sadly this seems par for the course for most of the titles from Outer Worlds developer Obsidian, who nevertheless are thankfully still going after 22 years and seem to be one of the few developers in Microsoft’s round of acquisitions thriving under the game pass model, having given us Avowed as well as the critically lauded Pentiment and hugely popular Honey I Shrunk the Kids inspired survival sim Grounded, which recently released a sequel into early access on PC and Xbox which is just as arachnophobia-friendly as the first game, which is to say not at all in the slightest. I’m hoping we can see at least a spiritual sequel to their mental spy thriller RPG Alpha Protocol at some point if they can’t get the rights sorted, or that they get a chance to do another Fallout title, since everyone knows that their Fallout: New Vegas is far and away the best in that series, and it is providing the backstory to the next season of the Amazon’s hit TV adaptation of Fallout, which has recently been confirmed as premiering on 17th December 2025 just in time for Xmas.

At the time of writing this the biggest news in gaming has been Australian independent developer Team Cherry’s upcoming Hollow Knight: Silksong, the hugely anticipated sequel to their 2017 debut game, Hollow Knight, an at the time well received entry in the Metroidvania genre which has since quietly gone on to sell over 15 million copies through mostly word-of-mouth alone, and make many critical lists as one of the greatest games of all time. Team Cherry originally announced Hollow Knight: Silksong in 2019 as an upcoming DLC for Hollow Knight, but by all accounts ambition and passion and the comfortability afforded by financial security from the continuing success of the first game led to the project growing in scope to become a sequel in its own right with an astonishing level of new content. As well as the ongoing success of Hollow Knight creating increased anticipation for the sequel, feeding into the ongoing hype for the title has been the almost total lack of any sort of information about the game being made available by Team Cherry, other than it was still in active development, and they have effectively created it in total secret for the past 6 years. On August 21st the internet went into a frenzy as a new trailer arrived for the game which for the first time confirmed all sorts of details including over 200 different individual types of enemy and over 40 bosses then dropped the mic by announcing the release date was September 4th 2025 a little over 2 weeks later and the title would be available on almost every format. Since the announcement daily consecutive player figures for the original title are breaking previous all-time highs on Steam and it can probably be assumed across platforms as players jump on the hype train for Silksong. By all accounts the sequel is all the harder better faster stronger that fans want from a second game, but gamers are a fickle bunch and whilst I can’t imagine anything living up to these levels of anticipation I hope it is as good as it looks.

As it happens I’d already been planning to cover the Metroidvania genre this month since I’d spent much of it playing 2019’s Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night, a title I’d finally got around to playing fully on PC after originally bouncing off it on XBox. If you are in need of a definition the term Metroidvania comes from a combination of the names of two well regarded Japanese game series, Nintendo’s ‘Metroid’ and Konami’s ‘Castlevania’ which created and refined the basics of the genre incrementally between them in the early decades of gaming. It describes a type of game in which generally the player is placed in a small play area that starts very confined and contained but which slowly opens up becoming increasingly complex and interconnected as the player character discovers new tools or powers which allow access to previously inaccessible areas on the map. In the Metroid series, which has to be given credit for also giving us one of gaming’s first and greatest female lead characters in bounty hunter Samus Aran, it’s usually an alien planet or base or combination of the two and there will be some convoluted reason that tooled up space badass Samus loses all her weapons and equipment at the start after an initial encounter on arrival with the end of game boss goes tits up; in the Castlevania series, the player is usually cast as a gormless member of the vampire hunting Belmont family descended from a previous player character in an earlier game, and who shows up woefully unarmed at Dracula’s castle in order to banish the public domain vampire protagonist again since despite him being destroyed forever at the end of every game it becomes apparent at the start of the next one that in fact when you finished the last game you made an arse of it.

​​The genre has exploded in recent years as multiple indie developers have embraced it as well as the influence being seen in many major titles, not least in the way the Dark Souls games and that whole Soulslike genre it inspired were in turn inspired by how Metroidvanias constructed their maps. We’ve had a number of notable examples well worth playing which I’m about to cover below, as well as Nintendo themselves continuing the Metroid series with the fourth Metroid Prime game finally coming sometime soon and likely to make me end up buying a Switch 2 as it’s my personal favourite out all their franchises ever since the first Metroid Prime on Gamecube took the series into 3D for the first time. Sadly, Castlevania publisher, the former powerhouse Konami, largely gave up on their incredible history of games to focus on the domestic Japanese gambling market in recent years, but have recently been releasing compilations of some of their older titles including 3 Castlevania collections, which are available across most formats. Whilst the Anniversary collection contains some excellent and entertaining platformers, it is the Advance collection of Gameboy games and the Dominus collection of Playstation titles which really show the series off at its best.

This brings us neatly back to the game I was playing – Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night, which was a crowd-funded homage and spiritual successor to the dormant Castlevania series from the former lead producer of that series, Koji Igarashi, who had since left Konami. It does exactly what it says on the tin and is a largely entertaining and nostalgic take on the genre which provides a wealth of combat customisation via combinations of weapons and spells combined with light puzzling and platforming, a familiar map and area types to explore and some fun bosses. I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did when I started, but I will happily admit that there were definitely not a lot of concessions made to modern gaming sensibilities or design, which was the intent to be fair, and the game throughout provides solid difficulty spikes, a huge amount of backtracking through the map and some incredibly frustrating platforming at points if like me you can’t possibly not have the map 100% explored before new game +. I’d recommend the game if you are a fan of the genre, and the upcoming sequel will now be on my radar, but I wouldn’t make it my first Metroidvania title.

I’m going to stick with just games I’ve played in the genre to talk about, and I’d probably recommend any of these as worth a look. Probably the best big-budget examples of Metroidvania in recent years would be the two games so far in the Star Wars Jedi series from EA and Respawn Entertainment, Star Wars Jedi - Fallen Order, and its sequel Star Wars Jedi – Survivor. First of all, there’s a pretty decent and engaging canonical Star Wars adventure here and series lead Cal Kestis and the surrounding cast of misfits and miscreants that join him on his journey are genuinely welcome additions to the overall Star Wars universe. Acting throughout is of a pleasingly consistently high standard, and despite one or two missteps the story can hold its head high with some of the best of them in Star Wars. The lightsaber combat system is intricate and requires patience and a little skill to master but is extremely satisfying once mastered and can be augmented by the force powers which are acquired throughout the course of the adventure. Cal’s slowly increasing Jedi abilities are a great lore-friendly way of implementing the Metroidvania trope of powers slowing unlocking a map and mastering control over them provides a solid basis for the game’s challenges. Whilst I appreciate that the second game in particular has its detractors, and neither game is perfect, as a lifelong fan these are genuinely, in my opinion, two of the best Star Wars games ever made and absolutely worth your time.

Next up we have another pair of games, 2015 Microsoft published Ori and the Blind Forest and its 2020 sequel Ori and the Will of the Wisps, which are available on Xbox, PC and Switch. Telling the Ghibli like story of Ori, an orphaned guardian spirit of the forest tasked with restoring it to its former glory after a cataclysmic event has destroyed it. Both games are notable for their exceptional art direction and animation, and whilst the gameplay is reasonably standard for the genre and the games feature some tricky sequences, these are apparently considered a good introduction to the genre for most people. I didn’t actually finish either of these yet but they are very entertaining and I would have to agree that the animation is exceptional in both titles.

Penultimate for this month, Metroid Prime was re-released on Switch a while back and by all accounts is just as moody and brilliant a game as it was when I originally played it on the Gamecube, and whilst I wasn’t quite as taken with Gamecube sequel Metroid Prime 2 – Echoes and Metroid Prime 3 – Corruption on the Wii, they were still exceptional games and definitely worth playing. As is the original 1990s Super Nintendo title Super Metroid, which provides solid 2D retro shooting action. The only other Metroidvania game off the top of my head which I can remember playing and enjoying enough to finish was Guacamelee, which is a cartoony Mexican folklore themed Metroidvania featuring a super powered Luchadore as the protagonist, It falls just short of being an a-lister but I liked it a lot.

Ok, and what about Hollow Knight then? Well I decided given the hype to give it a go again as it turns out that despite thinking it was genuinely one of the best things I’d ever played when I started it in 2019, I’d given up after hitting a brick wall battling the Mantis Brothers in one session and promptly forgot about it. I restarted it because after 6 years I couldn’t remember the controls, and just before I started writing this article I whipped those Mantis Brothers cunts good, and now the whole Mantis village knows not to mess and bows when I approach. Off to the City of Tears. Honestly, the combination of hardcore 2D platforming, precise but focussed and essentially quite simple skill based combat and the fantastic animation and oppressive Tim Burtonesque gothic atmosphere of it’s fallen insect kingdom setting, it’s no wonder people are hyped for Hollow Knight: Silksong, as the this first game is phenomenal.

See you all again next month for more game related shenanigans.

OASIS 9th August 2025

by Michael Doyle

It was a bucket-list gig that I never thought I would be given the chance to tick, but against all odds – it happened. And it was incredible. The weather was perfect, and a 4 hour wait in the queue was justified by being able to get a spot within the first few rows of the stage. Cast were the first support – a fantastic hit filled set; a notable moment was when the red arrows flew overhead midway through.  Next up was Richard Ashcroft – A perfect warm up for the main event with connections to Oasis going back to the 90’s.

Shortly afterwards the brothers came onstage hand in hand raised high in (I presume) jubilation – a sight impossible to imagine 15 years ago. On to the concert itself. Liam’s voice was in fine form and Noel seemed happier than he was in days of old. You couldn’t really categorise the crowd – It was, I believe an even mix across generations and genders – all united over the reunion of 2 brothers, and the music that sound tracked their lives. That’s not even mentioning the amount of people who travelled overseas – I spoke to several Swedes, Spaniards and Mexicans going to great expense to be there. The setlist consisted mostly of tracks from the first 3 albums – full of anthems sung back to the band at a decibel breaking volume. 2 hours later the end was signalled by a fireworks display and a mass exit back to Haymarket. I thought The Beach Boys concert couldn’t be topped this summer – I was wrong. This was something special.

INSPIRATIONS AND INFLUENCERS (True Influencers, not the social media talentless attention seekers)

William Gibson

This month's influencer is the science fiction author William Gibson, and although I would not consider his writing in itself to be anything special, he is not in the same literary league as Aldous Huxley or George Orwell, but as a predictor of the future I consider him to be more prescient than either of them.  

While we are not yet living in Huxley's Brave New World, or in the totalitarian nightmare of Orwell's Oceania, we are starting to live in William Gibson's "high-tech, low-life" cyberpunk world that he introduced in his 1984 novel Neuromancer. The world that Gibson writes about with massive transnational corporations, and declining nation states, alongside cyber crime, and abject poverty is the globalized digital world we are moving further  into with each passing year.

One of the features of Gibson’s writing is the integration of technology with humans, a form of transhumanism that had a long history by the time Gibson began writing, although no practical application, and even today it is still at an early stage but is starting to make progress with prosthetic limbs and laser eye surgery being examples of this trend.  The characters in Gibson's books often have cybernetic body enhancements, and while today's financially constrained head to Turkey for low cost cosmetic surgery, Elon Musk has founded a neurotechnology company called Neuralink Corp that is developing implantable brain–computer interfaces. Musk’s company will be more inclined to serve the interests of the rich and powerful, but Gibson’s fictional world has black market surgeons whose work is of variable quality. The protagonist of Neuromancer is a cyber hacker called Henry Dorset Case who has a neural interface with which he can "jack in" to the Matrix, and while this is not a reality yet, the internet has created a globally connected world accessed via smartphones and laptops. Gibson doesn’t treat technology as either inherently good or bad, but merely as something that augments the nature of humans.  

Gibson’s works portray a diminishing role for nation-states due to the rise of powerful corporations, the increasing interconnectedness of the world through transnational flows of information and capital, Gibson writes about the ever-increasing reach and power of corporations, the following is from Neuromancer:.

"Power, in Case's world, meant corporate power. The zaibatsus, the multinationals that shaped the course of human history, had transcended old barriers. Viewed as organisms, they had attained a kind of immortality. You couldn't kill a zaibatsu by assassinating a dozen key executives; there were others waiting to step up the ladder, assume the vacated position, access the vast banks of corporate memory . . ."

A central theme of Gibson’s first novel Neuromancer is Artificial Intelligence, the eponymous Neuromancer is the name of an AI that is being sought by another AI called Wintermute that controls the characters in the story, dispensing with them when necessary to fulfil its own objectives. At the core, Neuromancer is about an AI trying to gain sentience, it drives everything that takes place in the book. Artificial Intelligence is a relatively new phenomenon at present, but many prominent people in the technolgy field have expressed serious concerns as to where AI might lead.

Gibson's fictional idea of a decayed, run-down society, where half the world seems to be an endless urban sprawl ruled by drugs, gangs, cheap electronic thrills, media manipulation and over saturation, while governments and the police force have withered or given in to corruption is not that far from the world we are actually living in.

​Hello, and welcome to  Cosmic Cathy’s newest column, where I will answer your problems by asking my trusty tarot cards your questions. Be them big or small, comedy related or personal, I will deliver the answer to all your woes with one turn of the card! 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

Recently I have been being snubbed by a clique of local comics who no longer ask me to perform with them. I don’t know what I have done or why I am no longer offered sets, although I have a feeling it might be because I am funnier than the ring-leader who is jealous of me. What should I do?

From Green-Eyed-Monster, Glasgow. 

Dear Green-Eyed-Monster,

I have drawn the Queen of Cups to answer your dilemma. This queen is associated with imagination, compassion and forgiveness, suggesting that while I do not deny that you are the funniest person in your troupe, at least to some, perhaps you would do better to tap into this card’s power by freely giving and taking, without keeping score and supporting others in their goals. When you start to give support, it will come back to you, cheer louder, clap harder and congratulate often and you will find your popularity increases. Also, have you tried actually asking the ringleader for a spot?

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

another comedian I know is stealing my jokes and getting bigger laughs, what can I do about this? From Mugged-Off, Aberdeen. 

Dear Mugged-Off,

I have drawn The Knight of Pentacles for you. He is pragmatic, diligent and conservative - not the properties one associates with that lowest of low characters, the dreaded joke-stealer, so we must assume he is reflecting and advising you. This knight is known to be a little bit serious and very stubborn, but very good at working behind the scenes to bring improvements to your finances. Perhaps you could tactfully suggest to the joke stealer that they pay you for your jokes and get rich off the “way they tell it”. Or failing that just tell it funnier than them! 

Dear Cosmic-Cathy,

I wrote before about a joke-stealer but now things are so much worse … I have discovered that he has used my jokes against me to seduce my wife! I came home early from work to hear her with him, giggling at MY jokes in the bedroom. Please help.

Mugged-Off, Aberdeen. 

Oh dear, Mugged-Off,

this is a real pickle. Before I draw the card, are you absolutely certain she was laughing at him telling jokes you wrote, you’re sure she just didn’t burst into mirth when she saw him naked? I’ve drawn the Eight of Swords for you, a card that says that you’re in a tough spot and now it is time to start a new struggle - what that struggle is is up to you but suggestions could be writing some new material and telling it to his wife in the hope that she jumps into an affair with you, using your fantastic joke-writing skills to laugh the joke-stealer himself into your bed or, if you fancy neither him nor his partner, bursting into the bedroom right now and challenging him to a comedy roast battle with your wife as the referee. 

Dear Cosmic Cathy,

there is a new comedian in town and they think they are “all that”. However, so far they’ve failed to raise a titter but succeeded in several raised eyebrows with audiences. I’ve tried to include them in my comedy nights but their obnoxious behaviour and pick-me attitude are putting off to other comedians and I am struggling to tell them that with eight likes on Tiktok and four open mics under their belt, they’re not quite ready for a Netflix special just yet. Add to this I have just heard a rumour that I am picking on them because I am jealous. What can I do to encourage them to practice, or better still, totally escape this big-headed newbie?

From Dunning-Kruger, Glasgow. 

Dear Dunning-Kruger,

ah the over-confident newbie, such a fine line to walk between encouragement and reality. I’ve drawn the Seven of Cups, a card representing fantasy, imagination and magical thinking. Unfortunately this card suggests what you already know, you’re not going to be able to protect this baby-comedian forever, let them have their moment in the spotlight when there is space in your line-up and let them fly or crash. Every comedian dies on stage at least once, it is a rite of passage they need to go through. And you’ll feel vindicated when you save the day after they are boo’d off stage. Consoling them with your experience will feel so much more rewarding in the long run than slapping their smug little face for slander. 

Dear Cosmic-Cathy,

I am told I am a very funny-guy but when I come to write for stand-up my mind goes blank. I seem to only be able to make jokes on the spur of the moment and after several dreadful open-mics I’ve learned that “You had to be there” is not a great line for a comedian. How can I apply my everyday humour to stand-up comedy?

From Sir Laughs-a-Lot, Inverness. 

Dear Sir Laughs-a-Lot,

I’ve drawn the Page of Cups, a card representing a charming person who is extremely artistic, but also very sensitive. This Page suggests you may be thinking too deeply and getting in your own way. Spend more time watching other comedians and remember they are just people too. You are already able to make people laugh, watch the experts and you will learn how to apply this to your own sets. Write for yourself, if you laughed when you wrote it, at least one person finds it funny, be true to yourself. Remember comedy should be fun for you, don’t let it get you down … and if it does, write a set about it! 

Please send in your problems, big or small for next month’s Cosmic Cathy column before 15th September.

Disclaimer: Cosmic Cathy can only take credit for positives that come from your reading, she cannot be implemented in personal catastrophes, court cases or your divorce.