April 2025

Stephen Hamilton 

UNCOVERING THE MAGICAL MYSTERY OF ONE OF COMEDY’S BEST ‘UNKNOWN’ SECRET AGENTS

​The great Rikki Fulton told me to ‘go for it’. “Don’t be worried about never having enough material because funny things always happen to funny people.” – Rikki Fulton

​Laura Ashcroft delves into the life and times of one of Scotland’s mysterious figures. From his days as a professional athlete, being kicked out of an animal rights group for being ‘too violent’ towards animal abusers, writing for well-known comedians, being a frontman/vocalist in a band, published author, fluent in foreign languages, soccer (football) agent, studied psychology, been a journalist, meeting his idol Maradona to getting a brief telling off from a German World Cup legend; a stint at Huffington Post to owning one of Facebook’s biggest comedy pages that boasts millions of hits each month.

​Meet Stephen Hamilton, the former footballer who is responsible for creating the infamous ‘Irritable Owl Syndrome’ meme, who became a successful football coach and international talent scout by day – and a thought-provoking largely opinionated comedian by night. 

​By Laura Ashcroft

​I must admit, it took me an eternity to finally track down the elusive, enigmatic Scot, and my only hope was he didn’t shout at me or tell me where to go. I heard a lot about Stephen and was warned he doesn’t do interviews. He shuns all flickers of the spotlight at every opportunity and you won’t find him mingling at after-gig bashes. “He’s a mystery,” said one booker. “He turns up, does his set, then heads off. He’s very quiet in person but always friendly and courteous to everyone around. He’s a standout but you can never get near him.”

​Stephen came with a rough terrain, brought up in one of his home city’s tough housing projects (known in the UK as ‘schemes’). I saw him briefly at a show, and his presence and voice were captivating. He’d prowl the stage like a big circus cat, and he was the loudest comedian that evening. He was a mystery, for sure. He was loud, but he wasn’t angry. He prowled and paced, but there was a freedom about this artist and he was extremely confident, but not too boastful. It was like watching someone uncover his mask – except he wasn’t wearing one.

I’d had my perceptions of Stephen before I set out to interview him and this was wrong on so many levels because the thing that stomped me was he was extremely charming, very calm and assuring and had a berth of knowledge on so many subjects. He was like a walking encyclopaedia. He was nothing like his stage persona and here’s where the mystery lies: This was not an alter ego either. This was someone with a very loud voice and a hell of a lot to say about the world and he had the intellectual capacity to back himself up.

​In all the years of interviewing artists, the funny Scotsman was the biggest surprise for me. He told me, “I don’t even come from the arts as such. My background was in sports. I was actually a professional football player (or, soccer, as you guys call it). I have absolutely no business in comedy. I got into it by accident and it just grew from there.”

​Laura: “When did you start doing comedy?”

​Stephen: “It was in the early 90s. I had an outside chance to try my luck alongside a famous comedian from Glasgow in Scotland at that time. It was fate, coincidence, call it what you like but I was asked to report to a private party he was hosting and I was literally thrown to the lions. It turned out that I had, in fact, not only a wee penchant for stand-up comedy, but I was getting laughs – from seasoned pros. I would later write content for this well-known comedian and write for some of his friends. It grew from there and the next thing I know I’m writing for comedians farther afield. It was very surreal but it was something I enjoyed. It was a good grounding for me as later on I’d write content for a variety of outlets including TV and radio.

​Laura: “You talk openly about juggling life between soccer and comedy and how you were not truly accepted as a comedian because of your soccer background.”

​Stephen: “In some parts of the world we (as comedians) are thought of as individuals on a mission for validation and to fill some kind of void. I was the opposite of that. I have always been private, I never like attention and my life has always been very good. I didn’t need and certainly didn’t crave the limelight. However, it was tough when you are coaching in the Bundesliga then at night heading out to the comedy clubs doing my comedy thing. It was just me living out two of my passions: football and comedy, but it was harder for me to really be accepted. This made me work harder. So what if I came from the football world, I was allowed to make people laugh and so that was my main goal.”

​Laura: “Is this where you got your loud voice from? Did you feel you needed to let the world know you were there?”

​Stephen: “No, not at all. I always believe in giving everything I have. I couldn’t be on a football field coaching with my hands in my pockets. I need to sweat more than my players. The same when I was on stage performing comedy. If I didn’t come off that stage having given my absolute everything then I feel I haven’t applied myself. The loud voice is probably a result of my being in a band. I used to be a load vocalist.”

​Laura: “What advice would you give any aspiring comedians.”

​Stephen: “Treat it like any other profession because it is a profession. If you want to have fun and just stay in the 5-minute set world then stay there and be happy. If you have any aspirations to make money from your passion then it is no different to any other line of work. You just have to be prominent, consistent and continuously write. Don’t stop writing. It’s all about the writing then after that, it’s how you deliver that content. You have to really want it though. Every comedian I know has bombed, suffered, been rejected and gone through a catalyst of catastrophes but those are just tests. Just keep at it. There are more opportunities now than there were back in the 90s. We have comedy clubs all over the place so there really is nothing to stop you. Go and watch as many comedians as possible. They are not your competition but it gives you an idea of what that world is like. Above all, embrace and enjoy it.”

Hamilton’s life has been colourful and varied but how did he cram so much into it in such a short period of time? He said, “Most people are conditioned to do the normal day-to-day things and to be honest, that’s the easy life. Although my life has been a mix of everything, I made it my mission to achieve all the things I wanted to achieve but I worked harder to get that life. It would have been easier for me to do what everybody else was doing but I needed to get out there and see for myself how far I could go. I wouldn’t do it again because it was a long and hard journey but I knew that from the beginning. You have two choices: stay comfortable and achieve nothing or get uncomfortable and you’ll really find out what you can do.”

​Laura: “What went on with the Animal Rights?”

​Stephen: “I was a separate group away from the Animal Rights we know but they were very strong. We would save dogs and horses mostly but the sight of the poor things made me very angry. After we’d rescue the animals I felt I needed to leave a mark on the abusers. They were all foreign national males but that was better for me. I’d make sure the poor animals were okay and safe then myself and another guy would go back…and…let’s just say things got very physical. We were made out to be heroes but at the same time we were drawing too much negative attention to the group.”

​Laura: “Why did you leave Huffington Post?”

​Stephen: “I was already tied up with other matters and couldn’t devote any more time to them. They were very good to me but time had moved on. I felt the place was becoming more about contributors than journalists so it was time to do other things.”

​Laura: “You are the owner of the Daily Dafty. Tell us how that came about?”

​Stephen: “I don’t know why it came about but it started off as a satire publication and probably through accident. Later on, it morphed into mostly memes. Facebook, as you know, is saturated with funny pages so I was looking for something a bit different that nobody else was doing. The idea of turning puns into newspaper headlines came to me and at that point, I remembered Mr Fulton telling me, “Funny things always happen to funny people,” and that was that. My missus, Mairi, runs it now and has done so for a few years. We get about 2 million hits each month and sometimes a lot more. There are bigger pages than Daily Dafty but it’s the engagement that makes it, to be honest. We can get 500 comments for the daftest of posts. The insights and stats are staggering for such a silly page.”

​Laura: “What has been your highlight in soccer?”

​Stephen: “Seeing the young players that I coached go on to play for their national team. That has been more satisfying than anything and even beats my meeting with Diego Maradona, who was my favourite player.”

​Laura: “And in comedy?”

​Stephen: “I made Rikki Fulton laugh and apparently that was some achievement because privately he rarely smiled.”

Is there a chance of a return to the stage for the aloof Scotsman? Stephen reflects fondly on the things that drive comedy performers: “The buzz and excitement never leave you. I do live a different life now but yes, I do think about it now and then. I haven’t written it off but I have always continued writing. I think it’s important to keep that aspect flowing. I have written for young up-and-coming comedians and I have a catalogue of content should any occasion arise.”

The well-travelled Scot has finally settled back in his home city of Glasgow after spending half his colourful life living overseas. He now resides in the south of his hometown Glasgow with his partner Mairi and their cherished young Border collie dogs. He says, “Life is good for me. We live quiet lives but still work very hard.”

On looking back, Stephen has no regrets, “I’ve still got loads of ambition left in me. I don’t miss my old life and sometimes I forget all the things that I did and achieved until someone points it out to me. It has been quite a journey. I never thought I’d be rubbing shoulders with my idols let alone work with them but it is a testament to what self-belief and sheer hard work can do.”

So, what’s in store for the future of the man who created the famous Irritable Owl Syndrome meme?

“I currently own Maranovo, a football book business that makes money for grassroots clubs. This will be my home now for the next few years, but no doubt the call of comedy and the lure of the ‘buzz’ will forever linger.

Something tells me Stephen will be known for his time in the sport that he loves more than the thing he loved doing the most and that was making people laugh.

For more info, visit https://maranovo.com/

Judith Bowers

​Judith Bowers is the Director and Founder of the Britannia Panopticon Music Hall in Glasgow’s Trongate. Many of us have tread the boards there but its history is as interesting as the acts that appear on stage today! Judith is the author of Britannia Panopticon Music Hall – Life in Old Ghosts. The article chronicles the rich history of the Britannia Panopticon and can be read in full here https://www.britanniapanopticon.org/history

We asked Judith, for those who might not know you, can you please tell us about yourself?

​I am Judith, the Director and Founder of Britannia Panopticon Music Hall campaign and the charitable trust, The Friends of Britannia Panopticon, that operates it. I established the campaign in 1997 to raise awareness to the plight of the world’s oldest surviving music hall, ensure its future and interpret the history and archaeology of this incredible relic of the Victorian era.

​In order to bring Britannia Panopticon to life, I have been responsible for reopening the music hall for events and shows. Over the years I have worn many hats and utilised many of my skills to attempt everything from completing and submitting funding applications, to producing shows- I have produced over 200 of them! I provide talks and after-dinner speeches to raise awareness and funds. We also offer guided tours and organise weddings and private parties. And too much more to mention, but I love it.

​Fab, I know you from the Panopticon music hall in Glasgow. When did you start working at the Panopticon? Can you tell us a bit more about it?

​Yes, the Britannia Panopticon has had a history of change and function but has stood the test of time as a viable venue for the people of Glasgow. I have written two books about the music hall (published by Birlinn), and you can purchase them at the Panopticon! Although the Britannia Panopticon Music Hall has been my main occupation for 28 years, it has generally been on a part-time basis and therefore I have had other work over the years.

Can you tell us about any performance background you have? If none, what has your career been?

​My career has been in research, and television but I am a historian and writer outside of the Britannia role. Since the very first day of broadcasting, I was a regular history correspondent for STV 2 on the Riverside Show (latterly known as Live at 5), and on the People’s History Show. I researched, wrote and presented three-minute, pre-recorded pieces on the more obscure, bizarre and macabre side of Glasgow and Scotland’s past. My last piece for the People’s History Show was a full 23-minute episode on four revolutionary Scottish women and is available to view on request.

​What is the best part of the place?

​The attic, which no one gets to see but us. It is where the Freak show, carnival and waxworks were exhibited.

​I also really love this story, on the reopening of the hall, and it is what we use to capture the imagination of our audiences today.  A. E. Pickard, a young lad from Bradford in Yorkshire who was having some success revitalising the fortunes of the old Fell’s Waxwork Museum (two doors down), jumped at the opportunity to expand his showmanship into the old Britannia and in January of 1906 he moved in.

​Soon after the reopening of the Britannia in its new guise as the Panopticon, a young man aged sixteen approached Pickard and asked him if he might have a chance to perform on the stage. When Pickard asked the boy, “Why?” the lad apparently replied, “Because I’m Funny”, and that was enough to secure him a slot on that coming Friday’s amateur night.

​His name was Arthur Stanley Jefferson and his first joke went something like this

“Did you hear the one about the two butterflies? One butterfly said to the other butterfly, “I am bothered, I am bothered”. ”Why’s that then?” said the other butterfly. “Because I couldn’t go to the dance,” said the first butterfly. “Why ever not?” asked the second “Because it was a mothball.” 

​That young lad could not have dreamed where that first joke would lead him, but the world still knows him today as that young lad was Stan Laurel, one half of that famous comedy duo Laurel and Hardy. A. E. Pickard was always proud of the break he gave that young lad and Stan never forgot it either and revisited Pickard some years later in the 1930s.

​It feels kind of spooky, have you had any weird experiences in there?

​Every day. There are many stories about ghosts. The most frequently experienced is a chimp called Solomon who was an exhibit in the basement zoo from about 1908 until around 1920. He was a trained pickpocket and he still “borrows” items he takes a shine to. But he always brings it back if you ask him nicely.

​Who or what makes you laugh the most?

​Farting makes me laugh the most and the word “Plop”. The comedians that make me laugh most are Ade Edmondson and Rik Mayall in Bottom. Brilliant!

​What is your unfulfilled ambition?

​To have a best-selling book and a film made of my book The Magic Lantern (available in the music hall!)

​From the random generated images below, what image are you most drawn to and why?

​The second image, because I love the sea, especially at sunrise when no one else is around. I am from Weymouth, Dorset, which is on the most beautiful bit of Jurassic coastline.

Stand up Journeys:  Rose Wilde 

​How I got into comedy. 

​I found this drama group “Fool On” it was a local club, so I phoned up spoke to someone and decided to go. I had started drawing during my psychosis and had a drawing books full of pictures I'd drawn when I was delusional so took it with me.

I attended my first group meeting in January 2023. It was a bit bizarre as it was the group leaders birthday, they were having a big party for him, and he took a higher interest in me and my story, than the party. I thought that was strange, or am I that interesting? That never crossed my mind.

​Anyway he heard my story and looked at my drawings, turns out he has had schizophrenia too so understands the illness and what I went through, he thinks I have a book somewhere in me.

I attend the groups, its a really lovely bunch of friendly people, all different in their own way, I meet autistic people too, a first for me. I have a greater understanding of autism now. The group encourages people to sing and perform and as I am an incredibly shy person with groups of people and have been brought up to believe its bad to show off, I was withdrawn, embarrassed and the thought of getting a lot of attention horrified me. 

After 3 months of attending Fool On I was singing on the karaoke, it started out with the Pet Shop Boys, The Human League and Erasure. 

It was a great self esteem boost, you see I didn't have any friends before the group. I now had a community around me, I was part of a tribe, that was a first for me.

Then one day at the group the leader says he is running a comedy course, in the back of my head I heard a disco beat, I was thinking, this is a route to me apologising to every one I had offended on twitter, you see I was locked out of both accounts so couldn't delete my posts or post an apology.  I thought 'what the hell, I'll do the course', my plan might work I've nothing to lose.

Turns out Raymond Mearns was the comedian teaching us. I'd never heard of him, but thought I'll just do the course. The subject of our stand up was to tell a story about something embarrassing you had done.  My embarrassing story was of the time I sent a vibrator to president Donald Trump, I sent it to the White house, you can see that pics on twitter, you see I took lots of pictures when I was delusional, I posted them all on twitter, mad crazy stuff you can see them all if you look, that was my first set.

I met Tez baker on that course she and I have became great friends, with Tez being the driving force behind mischief and mayhem comedy, I just agreed to everything she said, its how we work, we are a great team.

My confidence was growing and I realised that to cure myself of my guilt I had to tell everyone my story and why I was sorry.  I'd tell it through comedy and I started to not to give a shit what people thought of me!

They haven't been through what I'd been through so who knows how you act after you had psychosis and Simon Cowell, Donald Trump and the Pet Shop Boys in your living room!

The next course I did was with Viv Gee, this is when I did my next set, all about pegging, swinging, and landscaping, not necessary in that order, oh and making home made strap-on's. might as well tell it like it was!

My next set was another true life experience. I'd worked with Des Mclean and had an intense hour and a half of comedy lessons with him. He gave me the confidence to do my latest set with props. You see, I dabbled in escorting/dominatrices in 2017, it was all the rage in the community, I was in, so I thought what the hell!  I was swinging at the time and I was meeting lots of time wasters so I thought I might as well make the jump and get paid for it, a bit of extra cash an all that. I didn't do it for the cash, it was a real laugh, met some lovely people, then a not nice indecent happened to me as they do, so I stopped it there and then. I only did it for 6 months and in that time I'd been asked all sorts of strange requests including selling my knickers, wearing hunter wellies and offers of cleaning my house dressed as a gimp!  

I'd found the 4th emergency service and I was fire fighting. I've been working hard on that set, I first performed it at Moffat Spike Awareness with Jonathan, then Largs with a random guy from the audience, and the last performance was at the Panopticon in January 2025 with a suitcase full of sex toys and Mikey Hugh from Big Brother by my side!

I've friends now, over 10 real ones, not delusional friends and over 600 Facebook friends now. I don't know how that happened either!  I've got a job, a hobby, and I've got a life. All thanks to comedy! My comedy partner Tez Baker and I have even have done shows at the Edinburgh fringe, Glasgow GICF, and Breakneck comedy where I totally forgot my script! I made my excuses and left the stage. My mind totally shut down that day, but I was on a mission to apologise to every one so I stuck at the comedy with encouragements from my friend Tez Baker.

That incident really did knock my confidence a whole lot, I had to find a solution for my short term memory and sequencing problems. I now use a clipboard with clues to my next lines so I don't forget. I felt ashamed about this to start with as no one else was doing it, everyone else was doing it from memory, and I couldn't remember my name let alone a 5 minute set , how did this all happen to me in less than 4 years?

I was just sat in my house minding my own business, nobody expects the Spanish inquisition and I certainly never expected this. I can now do what I set out to do, that's if this is published, to apologise to every one I offended in my twitter posts about Covid and apologise to the NHS, the police, my Neighbours, David Attenborough, Richard Branson, Brian May, Roger Taylor, Chris Lowe, Neil Tennant from the Pet Shop Boys, Simon Cowell Jack Whitehall, Donald Trump and not forgetting Joe Dispensia or my delusional boyfriend Ian.

Apology done, I feel better now that I've apologised to everyone. Now I can quit the comedy scene if I like. One of my missions has been completed.  The next is to meet the Pet Shop Boys, I'm not still deluded you know, there is always a chance of meeting them. You never know what's around the corner do you? The three mutineers, mischief mayhem and maybe, here to protect society from the comedy police!

The Man-o-Pause Diaries

Stephen Hughes April 2025

Lets Talk Pish 

As a gay man hurtling towards fifty quicker than a menopausal woman's short temper, I find myself getting more and more annoyed at the little things in life. Let’s talk pish.  As I am reaching the half century I feel my bladder is returning to the infant stage, I can’t remember the last time I had a full night's sleep without that 3 am calling to empty my bladder.  Maybe there is something in these adult nappies…

As a young boy potty training you are taught how and when to pee and get rewarded for it, and here is the reason why - you sit down on the potty to pee.  Then as a right of passage like some primeval ritual you are taught how to pee standing up.  Stand up pull it out and let the pish flow free. Sometimes your mum may even put a polo mint in the pan to help with aim.  But here is the thing, for any non-penis owners, you never actually know if you are going to get the power hose, the sprinkler system or the dripping tap.  It’s not something us men have control over, once the flow starts you are at the mercy of the sprinkler gods on how this is going to go.  Power spray with good aim, no splash back and no excessive drippage.  Sprinkler spray, where there is no control, complete splashback and it’s time to go home to change.  Dripping tap when you get the drip drip drip, despite your prostate exercises and nearly pushing out a poo.

Then of course there is the other issue - most men think they own an anaconda when in reality it is more of a shrimp, and despite adolescent games of who can pee highest on the wall we are still unaware of how close we need to stand to the toilet.  I think this is because man inches are a bit like gay age years.  For your gay age, take your real age and deduct five to ten years depending on the minimal work you may or may not have had done on your face.  The opposite applies to man inches, take your actual length and add two to four inches depending on who you are talking to and how good your aim is.  And there are weather considerations to be taken into account here, if you penis owners have tried to take a pee outside in the middle of winter you will be very aware of dick shrinkage (which is a real thing).  Then the hot weather when you literally are peeling your pants down and your appendage from your leg,

So here is my top tips - Back to the 3 am pish, always sit down, let’s face it you haven’t opened your eyes and despite owning your penis for nearly 50 years you are still unaware of exactly where it is in the dark.  In fact now I think of it maybe men should always do a sit down wee, no splash back, no worry about the flow, no pish on the toilet seat.  It doesn’t impact on your masculinity, who is there to see you?  Unless you are at the communal pish trough but that’s a story for another day.  And have a serious think about your length because let’s be honest no-one actually knew exactly what six inches was until the invention of Subway…

20s v 40s…by Paul McDougall 

It’s funny the things that change as you get older…Some of the differences from being in your 20’s to being in your 40’s is frightening.  

​One day you’re on multiple nights out per week, yes PER WEEK! And the next you’re on one night out PER YEAR! 

​One day you’re sat in your pals house the morning after a night out totalling up how much you drunk and the next you’re never touching the stuff again.  

​I hated those people who would remember everything they drank. “Oh last night I had 8 pints, 6 vodka and cokes, a Pina Colada, 4 whiskies, a Cava, a Prosecco, 4 shots of Sambuca (in the eye of course, do you remember that?) me “no? Wait, is that why I can only see out of on eye?!?. 17 bottles of VK blue, a bottle of Buckfast, a can of Hooch after I transported back to the early 90’s…oh and a shot of tequila from that Hen Doo that made me give them a fiver in exchange for a condom, an xxxxs condom. Charming. “What did you drink?” “I don’t remember, I was pished.”

​Some people got the fear after a night out, I never, I got regret. My regret was making all those plans at 4am in the morning in someone’s house with mainly people I didn’t know. “right lads, lets set the alarms for 7am right, we will get up, get showered and head out on that hike up that mountain, everyone in?” “absolutely”. Next thing I know I’m waking up in a bathtub in a strange bathroom and I start checking to make sure that I’ve not lost any organs.  

Those were the days though weren’t they? You could go out, go to work, go out, go to work, go out, go to work but not these days these youngsters can’t even handle one night out. It used to be on the young teams Facebook “here for a good time not a long time” now it’s “nah I’m going to the gym” THE GYM?!?! How dare these young people try and look after themselves and make themselves the best versions of themselves? They should be face down in a kebab wondering if they have any money left and who the person is next to them.  

But things are different now that I’m in my 40’s.

For example see when I was in my 20’s and I used to go on walks with my pals we would all be chatting. When my pals chatted about birds they actually meant girls, but now that I’m in my 40’s when I’m out on a walk with my pals and they are chatting about birds they actually mean actual birds. “did you see that bird up there Paul? What is that? Is that an eagle? I think it’s an eagle, what do you think Paul?” “I don’t know, is it a sparra?” they just stare at me but I could not think of much worse thing to discuss, maybe golf.  

​Another thing that’s changed is alcohol. See when I was in my 20’s it was about getting as much alcohol for as little money as possible and trying to get smashed on it. Two cases of Bier D’or out of Tesco for a tenner, sold. A bottle of vodka for a fiver, get that bought right now.

But nowadays… my pals have a different relationship with alcohol and I get to hear all about it. It’s now quality over quantity which I can get behind to a point. However, nowadays it’s all about the taste. My pals sat with a Pale Ale that’s been brewed through the arse of a fox and it’s called Peta Artois or something “Mmmmm that is so good, it’s really oaky, bit citrus-y don’t you think? You can get the flavours coming thro…” “Mate stop that, does it taste good? Yes? No? You’re not beers answer to Gordon Ramsay so stop it” “It’s a little bit oaky…” The anger rises.

​Or nightclubs! A place no one in their 40’s should be in, maybe if you’ve just went through a break up or something but otherwise what are you doing? I remember in my 20’s girls would indicate if they were interested by putting their hand on your backside (imagine doing that now?) to be fair nowadays I’d just presume they were trying to steal my wallet.

​Nightclubs always remind me of an animal documentary like something David Attenborough should be doing a voiceover too. All these young guys cutting about like peacocks trying to show who’s got the biggest and best feathers. Also, that’s when it becomes abundantly clear why women go to the toilet in pairs or groups because if one woman is left on her own the lions come out and start stalking, they are eyeing each other up ready to fight for a woman that would rather they just f’d off into next week. I always find the best time to leave a nightclub is when Justin Bieber comes on, in fact I sometimes ask the DJ to play Justin Bieber as soon as I arrive and then leave, haven’t even taken my jacket off. In your 20’s it’s the social event of the week; its somewhere single people think they are going to meet the love of their life (at 2am drunk) …

Then you blink and you’re in your 40’s and you can’t think of much worse. Standing in a queue in the cold waiting to get in to a club to stand in a queue to put your jacket in the locker room to stand in a queue for a bottle of VK Blue to stand in a queue for a pee. Not including the queue, you need to stand in for a taxi afterwards while you lose the feeling in your entire body because it’s 3am and it’s Scotland.  

​20’s versus 40’s?

​Give me 40’s every time.

A Day in the Life

​Buckaroo Bon-Si aka Si Walker, (aka Dr Simon Harold Walker).

​I kept putting off writing this because I wasn’t sure where to start. What is a day in the life of? Should it be short?

​“Last Saturday I played V-rising in my pants for 7 hours while pretending I was “thinking” about writing jokes?”

​Ok, easy to read but not interesting – so should it be serious?

               “I’m a Suicidologist, an academic at the University of Glasgow, where I lead research into Occupational Health with a particular focus on Suicide Prediction and Prevention. Today, I spent the day reading about suicide methods and continued to code my predictive algorithm in Python for suicide risk periods, taught a class on observational research methods, had meetings with my PhD students, and worked on an application bid for the Wellcome Trust. I also spent part of the day doing my meditation and mindfulness exercises as part of monitoring my mental health”

​Err…maybe keep it light Si, try funny?

​“Today I went to war with all Parking Wardens! Yes you, you yellow wearing human wasp hybrids! I see you hanging around waiting to pounce on my defenceless car. NO MORE MY FRIENDS NO MORE! Today, I dressed up as a Car and waited for my prey with an airhorn and poking stick. 4 hours I waited for one of those pseudo coppers to come round. BUT NOOOOOOO! Happy to give me a ticket when it’s just me ain’t ya? But when I dress up as a car, put toy cars around me, and make “BRRRMMM BRRMM” noises; you aren’t interested. Trust me Parking Wardens, you will rue this day – I am PARKING VENGEANCE”

​So that made me laugh, but perhaps too surreal? For the love of Zeus dude, you are already over the word limit – fine, to hell with it… er… Wednesday?

“I wake up in the morning feeling like P… NO!

1.      you are not Kesha, b) that song is entirely inappropriate and problematic now, c) you should hope that you never EVER feel like – well that dude. Yuck

Last chance –

​Like everyone, my days change according to what's going on – (yay for gravity and the axis) - some days I can be found teaching at one of the universities in Glasgow, covering subjects such as Research Methods, History, Occupational Health Methods, Politics, and Sociology… you name it. Whatever and wherever I am a constant source of bemusement to my poor students. Some days, I’m at my main job, Senior Researcher at the University of Glasgow in the School of Health and Wellbeing – working in the west end, fighting with Parking Wardens (GLENNNNNDDAAA!!!!!!!), having meetings that could have been emails, and walking around the uni with a piece of paper in my hand so no one asks me to do anything. A lot of the time, I’m at home, in my office, my “nerdvana”! Surrounded by my Doctor Who Tardis and Figures Colleciton, my Sonic Screwdrivers, My Classic Thunderbird Toys, and my playmobil sets of Back to the Future, Ghostbusters, and obviously my massive Playmobil USS Enterprise. Also my guitars, drums, and most important my tech – my PC, AV, and recording equipment.

​So, to be honest, this is where I find myself at least once a day – working on a project, creating a video, clearing my inbox, pretending to be attentive in meetings, recording music, developing learning resources, or coding an app. Marvelling at how I got so lucky. Most days, I drop my eldest son off to school, trying not to embarrass him by telling him how insanely proud of him I am. Seeing him thrive at 14 as compared to me at that age skipping school, getting into trouble, and becoming homeless.

​Then I come home (or go to the office in Glasgow). I live in Kilmarnock, which was recently voted the best place to visit if you're unhappy with where you currently live. I like to think of this armpit of a glorified glory hole as a measurement for all that is good and wonderful in the world – as a contrast. Everyday millions of people in poverty, war, starvation, and fear must at least have a tiny spark of hope as they hug themselves and think “at least I don’t live in Kilmarnock”.

​Back home (or office) I settle my blind dog, Pond. She comes with me everywhere as I am her Seeing Eye Human. She is actually blind bless her – but according to those bar stewards at the DVLA that does not constitute grounds for a Blue Badge. Discrimination I call it. Anyways, then I get to work and do all the stuff and more I put earlier, or I pretend and nap. OMG is there a better activity in the known universe than napping? Hmmmmmm…nap.

​Anywaysss… and that’s its. My wife and son come home at different times, one of us makes dinner, (if its ediable night I make the food, otherwise we play race the food around the plate for whatever my wife made us. It’s usually fish. Always fish. What is with the fish? Yesterday I found out that fish had bones in it! Did you know this? That’s not a food, it’s a weapon. It’s sabotage – ITS AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT) – and my son complains about setting the table. Ever the hard worker. Then in the evening, it’s puppy walk, chores, tv, boardgames, bed, or if I’m lucky – couple of extra hours of work – usually on my web design and digital media company SCE Consultants – (Shameless plug). Pretty mundane I’m afraid.

​But some nights, some days, I get to do comedy. I get to share the stages with fantastically funny people who are so interesting and different; and usually have me in stitches. I get to be “Buckaroo Bon-Si” the idiot in the cowboy hat. I get to tell jokes and mess around with audiences. I get to laugh a lot. I got into comedy because a) I always make jokes and this just seemed like a good idea, and b) to make friends. I’m 40. Making friends at my age isn’t easy, and I’ll be honest, my mental health issues have been a challenge in the past. But doing comedy has opened a world of loving, caring, and supportive people whose entire goal is to make each other laugh. I’ll never be the best at comedy. According to a recent “fan” on the x77 bus, I’m actually “quite shite” – said friend did also refer to me as “yer that dick in the hat that tries to do comedy aren’t ya?” – BUT – it’s a honour, privilege, and a joy to share a little spotlight with you all.

​Thank you for making me feel welcome – keep it up.

​Love Si

​Buckaroo Bon-Si

Ps. I know the name Buckaroo Bon-Si is stupid, but I’m locked in now. I’m stuck – SHUT UP YOU ARE NOT MY REAL MOM!

​PPs. My wife wishes me to retract my horrible comments about her excellent cooking – apparently if it was not for her and her gift in the kitchen, I would be dead from dysentery.

​​On The Road with Adrian Hanlon 

​The Realities of Stand-Up on The Road

I’ve been doing stand-up for a couple of years now, kicking things off with my first gig at The Stand in Newcastle—a great venue for nurturing new talent. I count myself lucky that I can drive, which meant I wasn’t confined to my local scene. From early doors, I got out of my comfort zone, performing in different towns, taking gigs as far north as Inverness and as far south as London.

One of the biggest things you learn from travelling around as a comedian is your own weaknesses—both in delivery and material. Performing in London, for example, is a completely different beast from a small-town gig. Audiences are often diverse, packed with international students and people from wildly different cultural backgrounds. As someone with a Geordie accent, I quickly realised that some crowds struggled to understand me if I wasn’t careful with my pace and enunciation. Geordies speak fast and dialect can be quite local. Touring forces you to refine your language and delivery, helping you find that sweet spot between authenticity and accessibility.

It also makes you question how universal your material is. Some jokes might land effortlessly with a local audience but fall completely flat elsewhere. That’s when you have to decide: do you adapt for a wider audience, or do you stick to your guns and find the crowd that appreciates your brand of comedy? There’s no right answer—just personal preference.

Northern & Scottish Audiences: Brutal but Brilliant

In my experience, Northern and especially Scottish audiences are some of the toughest but also the best. There’s no courtesy laugh if your joke bombs—if it’s sh*t, they’ll let you know. But that’s invaluable. Comedy-savvy audiences keep you sharp. If a gag doesn’t land, it forces you to tighten your material and make it punchier. You don’t get the luxury of meandering through a set with half-baked punchlines; you either make them laugh, or you don’t.

The ‘Mean Girls’ Effect in Comedy Scenes

One of the more frustrating parts of the comedy circuit is navigating certain social dynamics. Some towns have tight-knit cliques, and if you’re not part of the in-crowd, you can feel like an outsider. It’s a bit of a ‘Mean Girls’ situation—"You can’t sit with us". When you’re new, you naturally want to get involved, make friends, and feel part of something. But I’ve learned that comedy scenes can either be incredibly welcoming or absurdly hostile, depending on whether you’re in the right clique. I’ve seen some really talented comics pushed out simply for not pandering to the dominant group in their area. That’s why travelling is so important. It removes you from all that bullsh*t. You meet new people, find fresh audiences, and realise that comedy is so much bigger than one town’s scene. The best thing you can do is not let gatekeepers shape your comedic voice.  I’ve seen plenty of promising comics change their voice or hold back just to fit-in.

Comedy Is Tough—Travelling Makes It Tougher

Comedy is hard. Travelling around to do comedy is even harder—and expensive. I’ve often done a seven-hour round trip after an eight-hour shift just to perform an unpaid five-minute set, only to eat sh*t onstage and then stew in self-pity through A1 road diversions on the way home. But if you want to be the best you can be, that’s what you have to do. The only way to improve is to get on stage as much as possible and fail fast. I’d say twice a week should be the bare minimum, with four being the real goal.Treat comedy like the gym—the mind is your most resilient muscle, and it needs constant exercise to do what you want it to do.

The Importance of Taking Risks

The reality is, we live in an age where safe comedy and slapstick are easy sells, but I believe truly great comedy exists on the edge—dancing between truth, discomfort, and pushing boundaries. And to reach that level, you have to take risks. You will bomb. You will offend someone at some point. But that’s the process. Just try not to be a c*** while doing it.

​Final Thoughts: Embracing the Struggles of Comedy on the Road

​Travelling for comedy isn’t just about gaining experience—it’s about surviving and adapting to some of the toughest challenges the industry throws at you. It’s a grind, and here are some of the biggest hurdles every travelling comedian faces:

● Financial Strain – In the beginning, it’s all negative equity—nearly everything is a loss or an investment. Travel costs—flights, accommodation, food—will eat into your wallet long before you see any real returns. Remember, it’s an investment in yourself, but don’t let people take you for a mug. Know your worth, and don’t be afraid to say no to gigs that exploit your time and effort.

● Language Barriers – Performing in different regions or countries adds another layer of difficulty, as comedic timing and wordplay don’t always translate seamlessly.

● Cultural Differences – What kills in one city might bomb in another. Local references, slang, and humor styles vary wildly, forcing you to adapt or risk losing the room.

● Venue Quality – Not all gigs happen in well-run clubs. You’ll find yourself in noisy bars, poorly organized shows, or venues with audiences that don’t even know comedy is happening.

● Isolation – The road can be lonely. Without a stable support system, long stretches away from home, or without being supported by peers can take a toll.

● Different Comedy Norms – Some places have stricter censorship or unwritten rules on what can and can’t be said, which can be limiting and stifle creativity.

● Mental and Emotional Toll – Bombing on stage, constant rejection, and the pressure to always be funny can wear you down if you’re not careful.

● Competition – The comedy scene is packed with talented acts.

Standing out requires relentless persistence, originality, and often, a thick skin.

Final Thoughts: Why Travelling Matters

If I had to summarise, I’d say travelling around helps you:

● Get out of cliques and avoid toxic scene politics

● Develop your own comedic mind instead of imitating others

● See the bigger picture—comedy is bigger than one city or one audience

● Find your voice and identify your weaknesses

● Understand the diversity of your material and who it resonates with

● Gain stage experience in different environments

● Meet new people and open doors to new opportunities

● Find your audience—the people who truly ‘get’ you So, if you’re serious about comedy, get out there. Take the tough gigs, make the long drives, bomb spectacularly, and keep going. The only way to find out what kind of comedian you are is to test yourself in as many rooms as possible.

GAMING 

​BY Euan Scarlett

Hello and welcome to the third month of my musings on the wide world of videogames. It’s another month where I’ve only really been playing one game, this month new fantasy action-rpg ‘Avowed’, which released on Xbox, PC and Gamepass in February, as the fucker took me about 70 hours to finish.

Did I enjoy myself? It’s hard to say. I did enjoy the combat enough to spend time scouring the map for monsters and humanoid foes to stab with my spear or shoot with pistol, bow or rifle; I did play it for 70 hours and saw it through to what I think is a happyish ending from many possibilities; the plot was engaging enough and had interesting moral decisions to make, the same as creators Obsidian Entertainment’s previous great but flawed classics Fallout New Vegas, Outer Worlds, and Alpha Protocol. It was decent, wasn’t trying to be Skyrim, which was refreshing, it’s much more a throwback to the type of entertaining third person or isometric action fantasy games we used to get regularly during the PS2 era but done in first person and there was nothing wrong with it, it was worth playing. However I’d largely forgotten it by the end of the lengthy credits sequence.

Whilst admittedly I’ve been playing videogames for almost as long as they’ve been a thing, I don’t think it’s just me being old and jaded when I remark that there seems to be a certain blandness to the whole thing at the moment at least in the blockbuster or AAA sphere, most big budget games nowadays seemingly being mindless exercises in hoovering up icons from increasingly gigantic and stupidly detailed open worlds before they inevitably switch off the online servers required for your single player game meaning you can no longer play it anymore now so buy the sequel already, or gargantuan annual sports or pew pew shooty franchises that barely change year on year but are designed to keep their mostly captured audience paying through vaguely disguised gambling methods until next year’s installment. Most major franchises have already been rebooted a couple of times or have become stale or sad dead victims of developers or more likely corporate suit bad decisions by now. Nintendo seem to be doing mostly fine with their franchises, but they’re Nintendo and I think we all understand that they are actually genuinely run by the real life magical Japanese versions of Willy Wonka and Oompa Loompas.

That doesn’t mean that there aren’t risks being taken and new types of game genre being created constantly, just that in general if you want the shiny shiny and the big Hollywood-style blockbuster popcorn game then you’re going to have to compromise a bit on the gameplay aspects. This month sees the release of Assassin’s Creed Shadows, which if anyone cares is no less than the fourteenth main series entry for the Assassin’s Creed franchise since its debut in 2007, that number does not include the multiple spin-off and side titles released in the same eighteen year period.

​Not all the entries are of the same quality but generally they are entertaining action games that drop the player into usually different periods in history in different games, and weave an ongoing saga of two secret organisations battling throughout history for the control of objects of magical power left by a precursor race to humankind, usually set against real historical events and with real historical figures. They are usually well acted and researched and the artistry on display is often immaculate in its recreation of the cities and cultures of the time as we know of them from artefacts and contemporary descriptions. The actual gameplay is always a bit boring and mindless because all the rest of that costs a huge amount of money and takes a huge amount of artists and they need as many people to be able to play the game as possible. Like you generally have to actually try to lose in order to lose a swordfight. There’s no climbing skill at all, you just point towards something and press the one button you need to press. There’s no real skill involved in playing the games in the series at all for the most part, sometimes you don’t even have to touch the controller and the player character will just follow someone else that’s talking. Does that mean they are not worth playing? Not at all. I’ve played nearly all of them up to Assassin’s Creed Odyssey and the only ones I’d say are not worth a play are the very first Assassin’s Creed which looked very nice but you’ve seen the whole game by the time you’ve done the first assassination, and Assassin’s Creed Syndicate, set in Victorian London, cos it’s just boring and shit, which is a shame as Evie Frye is the first female playable character in a mainline entry (in Assassin’s Creed 9!) and she’s pretty cool and deserved better. I actually played Assassin’s Creed Unity well after they’d fixed all the bugs and that was much more entertaining than Syndicate, and genuinely attempted to do something a bit different, shame it was an atrocious buggy mess on release and died a death because of it, but that’s how we should treat all games released in that state. Unity has an extraordinary recreation of Notre Dame Cathedral that was built in-game virtual brick by virtual brick by a single artist over the course of months, and you can climb it.

​​​​​​​​​​For my part, my favourites in the series by far have been Caribbean set pirate adventure Assassin’s Creed IV Black Flag; Assassin’s Creed Origins and its depiction of Ancient Egypt; Assassin’s Creed II and sneaking into the Vatican to kill the Pope; and of course the best one Ancient Greece set Assassin’s Creed Odyssey. If you choose personality vacuum Alexios the male choice of player character instead of waifu goddess Kassandra, gaming’s very own Xena Warrior Princess, who struts around ancient Greece with impunity, pumping who she wants male or female but mostly female, stabbing misogynistic ancient Greek dudes in the face with a massive selection of swords and spears, captains her own ship and crew and is played with absolute perfection throughout over 80 hours of game by actress Melissanthi Mahut who provides voice and motion capture performance, then you are fucking dead to me.

The latest Assassin’s Creed Shadows is set in feudal Japan and has been delayed for several months for reasons. There’s also been some controversy surrounding the game for various reasons prior to release, not the least from the incel crowd who object to the selection of player characters being limited to Yasuke, a black former slave who history acknowledges as existing as something of an advisor to Lord Oda Nobunaga of tv-show Shogun fame, and who may have been something like an actual real life Afro Samurai; and a ninja who is also a Japanese woman. I mean, that’s just baiting those pricks, Ubisoft. Frothing about Assassin’s Creed going all woke and not being historically accurate anymore, this from a series where Ezio Auditore da Firenze once broke into the Vatican in 1499 and assassinated the magic-staff wielding evil pope so he could then find Eve’s magic apple that’s actually an artefact from a precursor race who created humans, fuck off. Anyway, Ubisoft delayed the release from November for reasons, eventually deciding to release it on 20th March, causing more controversy in Japan as it’s the same date as  the 30th Anniversary of the Tokyo Subway Sarin Attack, a terrorist incident that took place in 1995. Apparently the game itself is decent though, so like all Ubisoft games I’ll wait for the inevitable £100 complete edition in a year or so when it goes on sale at 90% off like all their games do.

TTFN until next month, hopefully.

​​ BLOODYWOOD ‘Expect A Riot’ and Glasgow Delivered!

​Venue: SWG3 Galvanizers, Glasgow – Sunday 23rd March 2025

​Indian folk metal trailblazers BLOODYWOOD tore through Glasgow’s SWG3 Galvanizers on a Sunday night, delivering a ferocious, high-octane set that left the sold-out crowd breathless and gasping for more. From the moment they hit the stage, it was clear — this wasn’t just a gig, this was a movement.

​Blending traditional Indian instruments with metal riffage, BLOODYWOOD brought a unique sound and spiritual energy to the industrial walls of SWG3. The pit was in full swing from the opening notes of Dana Dan (Give a beatdown).  They powered into their latest album’s title track Nu Delhi with all the energy and authenticity now expected and demanded from their ever-growing legion of fans.

​There’s an atmospheric build up with Aaj (Today), we’re drawn in by multi-instrumentalist Karan Katiyar’s flute melodies before we’re hit with fierce percussion and an all-out sonic assault. Vocalist Jayant Bhadula is a force of nature – singing in Hindi with a sprinkle of Punjabi, he goes between ferocious growls, guttural screams and powerful melodic singing. Raoul Kerr’s English rap verses, help create that signature bilingual fusion that defines BLOODYWOOD’s sound — a blend of Indian heritage and global metal influences.

​Next up, another new track – Tadka for the foodies! The term refers to adding that wee bit extra to your scran to boost the flavour! The upbeat tune with the enthusiastic beating of Sarthak Pahwa’s dhol and Vishesh Singh’s drumming kept the tempo frantic. Jee Veerey (Live, Brave one) followed – an emotionally charged and heartfelt anthem, they united the crowd with their message of hope and resilience.

​They roared on with Bekhauf (Fearless), featuring a nod to their collab with Baby Metal, bassist Roshan Roy helped keep the spirit alive on stage.  Then came the riot starters: Machi Bhasad (Expect a Riot) and Halla Bol (Raise your Voice), which had the mosh-pits in full swing and crowd energy at its peak. Jayant encouraged the crowd to squat down, knees clicking (maybe that’s just me) letting the anticipation build before releasing the crowd in a spirited spring.

“Here We, Here We, Here We F**kin Go!” our traditional Glasgow chant for when we went more, and we weren’t disappointed. The encore — Gaddaar (Traitor) — a politically charged anthem, cathartic and confrontational uniting the crowd in shared defiance. What a way to end it.

​What made the night truly special wasn’t just the noise, it was the message. BLOODYWOOD are loud, yes — but they’re also proud and packed with purpose. In between songs, Raoul and Jayant spoke about mental health, unity, and using music to bring people together— looking around at the diverse Glasgow crowd – there was a connection and sense of solidarity.

​The only thing that could have made the night better was a longer set, at just over an hour, the crowd were definitely up for more. BLOODYWOOD didn’t just play Glasgow – they conquered it.

And we loved every second.

​By Smeggy McSmeggerson

INSPIRATIONS AND INFLUENCERS (True Influencers, not the social media talentless attention seekers)

Dave Mustaine- Megadeth 

​The influencer for April is a bit of an unconventional one, he is Dave Mustaine from the thrash metal band Megadeth. 

I say unconventional because a look at some facts of Mustaine’s life do not make him look like a man whose influence would be considered good.  Mustaine is an ex alcoholic with a history of substance abuse issues and has went through rehab 17 times in the course of his life. His band Megadeth were formed as an act of revenge against his former band Metallica, of whom he was their original guitarist and a founding member. In its own right Megadeth are a force to be reckoned with . Their music is nothing I had ever heard in the early 90s and their speed metal blew me away!

The reason I have found Dave Mustaine an inspiration during my life is that he has gone through adversity and always came out on top. He admits that he isn't perfect and is very honest and open about his past and of the many failures he has succumbed to.

David Scott Mustaine was born on 13th September 1961 in La Mesa, California. He was the youngest of four children with three older sisters.  He had a rough childhood, his dad was an abusive alcoholic and his parents divorced when he was only 4 years old, his mum became a Jehovahs witness when the boy David was 7 years old. 

The story of  Dave Mustaine’s unceremonious dismissal as the original guitarist in Metallica is an established part of thrash metal folklore and need not be repeated here, but I have always thought of Dave Mustaine as the true founder of Metallica, he wrote the hits that would start the Metallica phenomenon including 'mechanix' which Metallica changed to ‘The Four Horsemen’ and put on their first album so they could take the credit.

Dave Mustaine responded to his sacking in a positive way, he refused to be the Pete Best of thrash metal and instead created his own band called Megadeth, their first album ’Killing Is My Business and Business Is Good!’ was released in June of 1985 and became a huge hit, and not only with  metal fans, but within the mainstream as well, possibly helped by a speed metal cover of ‘These Boots Were Made for Walking’ originally recorded by Nancy Sinatra. 

Mustaine had formed Megadeth with two goals, to be the best metal band in the world, and to surpass Metallica. In 1992 the album Countdown to Extinction went to number 2 in the Billboard 200, but Mustaine’s happiness was short lived as Metallica’s Black album that was released a month later went to number 1.

Although the foundation of Mustaine’s band was driven by his need for revenge against his former bandmates in Metallica, I don’t see this as a bad thing. Rather than stewing in resentment and resigning himself to destructive bitterness he used his anger to create something positive with Megadeth, a band who now justly stand as one of the big four of thrash metal. The Christian heritage that pervades our culture usually regards revenge as a negative and something that we should not seek, and perhaps this is true the majority of the time, but Dave Mustaine’s life gives a curious counterexample where anger and the need for revenge was channelled positively towards growth and goals.Megadeth is one of the most influential thrash metal bands in the world with  albums sales in excess of 50 million and 12 Grammy nominations, including one win for Best Metal Performance in 2017 for ‘Dystopia’.

The famous Japanese monthly heavy metal music magazine Burnn!  Awards won by Megadeth include Best Group of the Year and Mustaine for Best Songwriter of the Year in 1992, as well as Best Live Performance in Japan for 2007.

Given what I wrote in the previous paragraph about revenge being contrary to Christian morality, it is perhaps an odd irony that Dave Mustaine is now a sincere and pious born again Christian, and although his views are not always aligned with some modern sensibilities, he does not force his views on anyone. Let me finish the article with a quote from the man himself:

”It ain’t hurting anybody, me being a nice guy…. There were times when it felt smooth and right; there were times when it felt like I was suffocating.  It wasn’t until the summer of 2005 that I began to sense harmony between my spiritual and artistic lives”.

Pet of the month! 

​Yvonne Hughes dog Snoop

​​Woof, my name is Snoop and I am an almost-10 year old Patterdale Terrier, a big boy. I like balls. A lot. My mum is called Yvonne I think.

​My mum goes out a lot at night to something called comedy clubs and sometimes I have to stay with my granny mum, but she is a very woofy lady. I split my weeks between my real mum and my older mum, because my real mum likes making money and my granny mum likes making me a full Scottish breakfast. I think I am like a child of divorced parents, though these two seem to get on ok.

​My mum talks to me a lot, blah blah but it turns out she used to be quite sick and I helped her get stronger and better cos I am the human’s bollocks.  When we first lived together and went walkies, I remember I used to stand and wait for her, as she had to keep stopping to catch her breath. I still do that now when we go out, cos I am the human’s bollocks.

​I am extremely adventurous. One time my mum and dog dad (nice man) got “lost” on a hill running up the back of Inverary. All in plain view of the town’s residents. They steered off a path - was not my fault - and ended up on another route where there were fallen trees all over the place.

​I was able to leap over the trunks but sometimes looked to my dog folks for reassurance. At first, the folks kept laughing while navigating the trunks and the difficult footing on the path. Then as the hours went on mum cried a bit as she got more tired. At one point, there was the possibility of a dramatic hillside rescue but we avoided it after finding another pathway that doubled the time we needed to do the walk in the first place. Mum went for a lie down when we got home. I had such fun.

​I am a star of the stage and am just the best boy ever.

Hello, and welcome to your monthly mystical manifesto! Well, OK it is more of a column, but alliteration makes me sound more magical. Horoscopes are so 2024, in this new year, I, Cosmic Cathy will guide your most important decisions by drawing a tarot card especially for you (and around 666,666,666 people in the world who share your birth month.) Are you ready? Think of the advice you need, head to your sign, and the answer to all your burning questions will be revealed: 

ARIES: The Ten of Swords - Reversed

 Why you little drama queen you. Why are you acting like the world is against you Aries? It is not, you are simply tired or hungry. Or you just love a bit of drama. Have a nap, then see if the world is still out to get you. 

 TAURUS: The Wheel of Fortune - Reversed

 Oh poor Taurus, you did not draw a good card this month. The fates have given you a bad hand, but this too will pass and all will be right again. Be sure to keep your notebook handy, because the biggest disasters lead to the funniest sets! 

 GEMINI: The Emperor

 Who’s feeling like King of the World this month Gemini? You are! Get in touch with your inner strength and take control. This is your month to shine. If you can’t find the emperor inside, fake it til you make it - if it works for World leaders, it can work for a comic in Scotland! 

 CANCER: The Ace of Pentacles

 You are at the beginning of a wonderful new opportunity! You have sowed the seeds and if you are diligent and hard working, you could be very rich. Or, perhaps you will start putting money in your piggy-bank and have enough for a bag of chips at the end of the year … either way, you’re going to have more than you have now. 

 LEO: The World - Reversed

 Oh no, your world has turned upside down! Actually, you’re already upside down to people in Australia, it makes no real difference in the tarot, just like in the solar-system. The good news is, everything is going to be OK. The bad news is, you can’t take the credit, this is already decided. 

 VIRGO: The King of Swords

 Time to be a grown-up Virgo. There’s something in your life that needs you to be responsible and take control. I know you’d like to eat junk-food in your underwear while someone else does the adulting, but that isn’t an option this month. Bring forth your inner leader, but remember also to be kind - no one likes a bully! 

 LIBRA: Temperance - Reversed

 Don’t give up on yourself Libra. You of all people should be more balanced. The big thing you are catastrophizing is actually a fabulous opportunity. Yes it will take some work, but you will get there if you eat the elephant. It’s a metaphor, I do not want to read about you being arrested in the zoo!  

 SCORPIO: The Three of Swords 

 You are soon going to be free! OK you do have to go through the horrible, sad, break-up bit. The tiresome tears and cheesy movies but at least you’ll be free to charm again. (Do not break up with your spouse of fifteen years because you read this - unless you need an excuse. You might just want to bow out of that annoying book-group you’ve been dragged to since Covid-days.) 

 SAGITTARIUS:  The Three of Wands

 It is time to act. If you’ve got something to say, blurt it out. If you have an idea, launch it, you can work out the details later. Your world is balanced and ready for your action, so get up off your behind and make things happen! 

 CAPRICORN: King of Cups

 WOW! You are hot and radiating strength right now. What, a, guy! (girl / non-binary-person / furry etc. whatever, you’re still cool and powerful.) You are inspiring people right now, so don’t be surprised if someone starts to mimic you - be kind when you find that annoying follower doing the same thing with their hair, remember you look better in that outfit they’re copying, remind everyone you wrote it first if they steal your jokes, and maybe keep your doors locked and check under your bed, just in case they move on to stalking next. 

 AQUARIUS: The Five of Pentacles

 If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. However, we can all indulge in a little fantasy, a lucky streak, a holiday romance. You’re riding high right now and it feels wonderful, but wait a few weeks before buying that engagement ring or gambling on your house. You might be being toyed with, and, if you’re the one doing the toying, they will find out! 

 PISCES: Judgement

 The original meaning of this card was The Rapture, so it could mean the world is about to end and your soul will be judged and cast to wherever you’re destined for all eternity - I hope this isn’t the case because if it is, all the other Star-Tarots I wrote will be wrong. The modern meaning is you should grow and remove things from your life that no longer serve you. Declutter. Go on, start with that drawer in the kitchen!  

 Disclaimer: Cosmic Cathy can only take credit for positives that come from your reading, she cannot be implemented in personal catastrophes, court cases or your divorce.